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Happy Mother's Day

As she is gone for the next little while, I have come to the crushing realization that I truly and dearly love my daughter. I miss her. Why has it taken almost 2 years for me to admit this to myself? Kevin keeps saying that for someone who didn't want the job, I'm this incredible patient and wise mother. I say I just keep reading so I can feel like someone's mother.

My issue is that my own mother has been dead for 16 years, since I was 11. I don't really understand what I mother does. I don't remember cuddling that much with my mother, although I do remember licking the beaters when she'd make a cake. I don't really feel like I have a guide in this whole mother thing.

Sometimes I look at my kids and the pain I feel is so sharp, it's like she just died yesterday again all over. I see what she might have seen-the future she would never hold. I wish she could meet them. I wish that she and my Dad could enjoy them together the way they deserve to.

So admitting love for anyone or anything is really difficult for me, as it usually ends in something painful. And I'm so fucking scared that I'll die on them like she died on me, just when I needed her. There's this litt le girl in me that has never grown, never wavered, but just sits in some corner of my mind, wailing and wailing for her mommy.

I'd sacrifice everything I have just to talk with her one last time. Just to make sure she heard me tell her I love her.

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