Thursday, December 29, 2005

Lessons for Thordora

I think I grew up a bit this year, helped in part by a new daughter, blogging and just plain old age. And I have a few nuggets to pass on:

  • Stress rests in your mind. Focus on what you need, not what you want, and you'll be better.
  • The only way out is through. This applies to birth, fights with husbands, and line ups at Walmart. Of course, birth is the only one you can't walk away from.
  • It's never that bad. Of course it isn't. Am I starving and missing an arm in Rwanda? Nope. So buck up. Could be worse.
  • Rosemary and Spagetti Sauce don't go together. Ask the Dorf. He knows.
  • Sometimes I am wrong. In the worst of ways.
  • It is possible to love more than one person to the point of distraction. It is also possible to want to throw things at more than one person at a time.
  • Life is better viewed as a series of remarkable events, rather than stuff that happens to us. We create life, and we form our lives.

I feel more settled and calm now than I have in a very long time. Don't get me wrong, somedays everything still sucks, but I feel some sort of clearing of the storm in my head lately. And it's really nice, like someone took a swiffer to it.

And to quote my favorite Micheal Ondaatje poem....

Want everything. If you break, break going out, not in. I'll break my arms for you, hold your secrets forever."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

No Christmas without Christ


I love the local newspaper. I really do. The bland little topics, the lack of spellcheck, the terribly written editorials-everything SCREAMS Grade 5. It's great. But even better would be the "Letter to the Editor" page.

Oh what fun.

Out of 5 letters, 4 had to do with why Christ is my saviour and it the reason for the season.

Like no one ever did anything around the winter solstice. Like no other cultures have any type of year end celebration. Like us atheists don't celebrate the season as a reason to be nice and giving to others because it is a right and proper thing to do.

Letters like those test my strength. Instead of "letting bygones be bygones", some people are so busy bitching and whining about how their personal saviour isn't part of the holiday anymore that they lose sight of the TRUE meaning.

I spent December 23 in the grocery store, because I had to. IT SUCKED BALLS. But you know what? As I waited and waited in that line, I entertained the cutest toddler, had a nice conversation with the lady behind me and cracked up the cashier. I could have lost it, blown my stack, growled, etc. But why should I? I could have focused on the commercialism of the season, but instead thought about how happy my daughter would be on Christmas morning, how next year I can't wait for them to buy presents for charity, how I cannot be cranky this time of the year because I don't want to be.

I don't focus on the fact that I am NOT a religous person. O Holy Night still makes me cry, because it's a song about love and devotion and worship, not because of WHO it worships. It's beautiful, and I recognize it for that beauty alone. I'm nice to people because it's beautiful, and makes things easier. And I truely wish that instead of creating division with who worships what or who or if it's a tree, Christmas Tree or Holiday Tree, that someone could just agree that goodwill to all would suffice.

Why, in a season that should be full of awe for everyone, are people so intent on being foul creatures, finding fault? What happened to turning the other cheek? Why do I feel, especially during the Christmas season, that I as an atheist, am more moral thatn some of these people? And why am I made to feel less of a person because I have not found "the path to my lord and personal saviour"?

Really, from the tone, and general skills demonstrated in a lot of the letters I see, I do not WANT these personal saviours anyway. He seems a bit.....retarded.

Something as simple as being nice to others and doing nice things seems so remote and strange now. Why is that?

Monday, December 26, 2005

Happy Whatever!

Didn't have a chance to post and let y'all know that I wish you guys a VERY Happy Holiday. Hopefully your significant others showed a little insight and got you things you wanted for once! (Yes, the Dorf got it right for once.)

However, I hope you weren't blessed with a plethora of cooking stuff like I was. I think someone is trying to tell me something....

Friday, December 23, 2005

I wanted to post

This week, in what seems to be a popular activity across the country lately, 2 little kids were left orphaned by their parents murder-suicide.

Meaghan is almost 3. Vincent is 3 months old. Vincent will never know his parents. Meaghan will know they aren't there for Christmas.

Their parents were "Estranged", whatever that means. Regardless, there was a fight, and argument, pain gone wrong maybe, desperation, and one last fatal mistake. I cannot and will not believe that two parents would willingly engage in something that will end so badly. Vincent is still in the hospital, and I sincerely do not want to know what he witnessed, or if on some level he will always remember that, be damaged by that.

And it makes me incredibly sad to know that these kids, who could be my kids, now will live not knowing their parents, never knowing WHY, never knowing what was that bad. It was terrible losing my mother at 11, but to lose both parents when you aren't even 3? A week before Christmas, when everywhere you look is full of images of happy families and togetherness.

There is a trust fund, and as soon as I can get the information, I will post it with the encouragement that instead of those last few presents, please donate a little something to these kids. Because believe me, stuff is meaningless without your parents around.

I see my oldest daughter in all this, and it makes me quietly, and completely sad. The thought of her little face screaming, searching for me. It's almost more than I can bear.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

What I DO NOT want for Xmas.

There's just so much out there NO ONE EVER NEEDS. So I thought I'd do y'all a favour and make sure you don't get me something I'll hate...

  • Fruitcake. I hates it.
  • Anything kitchen related I did NOT specifically ask for (this excludes the cookbook holder and cookbooks. I LOVE cookbooks)
  • Bath shit. No one ever gets it right, so stop trying. BUT, If it's from HER, then it's ok.
  • Cutesy Pootsey anything. Don't get me clothes that match my kids. Don't get me anything with flowers or ruffles. I'm too big for Laura Ashley. I'm not a meringne.
  • Tacky Christmas Ornaments. I love the Snowman Cookie Jar someone got me. That's as far as it goes.
  • Ditto anything tacky. I don't like tacky, unless it's a tacky souvenir (I collect those)

Just, get me gift cards. But follow the advice of Nicole at NicoleMart.

And tell me, what don't you want?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Can't take the heat? Get out of our kitchen.

Why is it that the MINUTE a finger is levelled at the US, they get their collective panties in a knot and start namecalling and whining?

See this article. While our Prime Minister (who I have issues with, don't get me wrong) comments on the Kyoto Protocol, the softwood lumber dispute, amoung other things, we are returned with comments such as this one from Tucker Carlson of all people:

"Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York," he said.
"Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada."

That's right. We're the retarded cousin. Funny that. See, we have what is called a mutually beneficial relationship, like a nurse log on the forest floor, what with our water, oil, electricity, etc flowing south, not to mention exports. But I guess the US doesn't really want any of that, or, they want to act like the neighbourhood bully and take what they want, how and when they want it.

I for one am damn glad our "leader" is calling them on it. Is it an election ploy? Likely. Will I vote Liberal because of it? Nope. But just as one of my proudest moments as a Canadian was when Chretien told Bush to basically stuff his war up his ass, I'm happy when our government finally stands up and sucker punches the bully.

I mean, does anyone who has half a brain listen to Tucker? And is this really the example we want to show the world? Martin makes a pointed comment about the US' lack of commitment to environmental changes and betterment, and it's returned by insults, and childishness.

I particularily LOVE how the US gets mad when anyone doesn't fall into their plans. Free speech includes dissent, even between trading partners.

The stupider american foreign policy gets, the more patriotic I get. I'll sit here in my "retarded" little country, and wait for someone else to bomb you. And LAUGH when they come from inside the US while you stare breathlessly at OUR borders.

Tucker Carlson


You and your pansy ass tie too.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Ah....I love the smell of commerce in the afternoon...

I haven't been online much between work and a sick Dorf (if that isn't a contradiction in terms). I can't go online for 5 minutes without him hovering over my shoulder. When I complain, he says "I just wanted to spend time together!" I can play Luxor all by myself thank you very much....

We went to ye olde mall yesterday, in part to get drugs for the whining Dorf, and to get my father a non Cosby Sweater (a joke that the guy at Sears didn't get I might add). Now, I'd love to be a cynic like it's cool to be about Christmas, but I have to admit...


I love Christmas. I love the smell of the Scotch Tape, the smell of new wrapping paper, the look of a lit tree at night, the thought of getting someone somthing they really want, unexpectedly. But when I look around in a mall, no one is happy. No one was glad to be with their family, or looking around with even a half pleased look on their face. They all looked PISSED OFF.

And I thought, that SUCKS BUTT. When I go shopping, I'm thinking about how much I want to get something that my daughter will love, or how I want to get a certain person who is tight for money, that one little item that would make their day. I'm thinking about other people, and it cheers me up. I LIKE to make other people happy.

Why can't it remain a day when we think of other people? And I don't mean in a religous way, or in a money driven way. Some of the best things I've ever received cost little to no money. Why is it so wrong, so "uncool", to actually feel and want to make others have a day a little better than they would have? Why is it so wrapped up in getting the right pants?

And I know that a lot of this relates to the fact that there are people who take advantage of things, but really, do we all want to be governed by that? Shouldn't we perform random nice acts all the time because it's the nice thing to do?

I don't know...I guess my closet hippie is manifesting today or something...but I sincerely believe that if everybody did something nice for someone else every so often, then we'd all be a little bit happier....

go me a dorkwad.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I need to know.

Ok, I was just checking my sitemeter, and I REALLY need to know.

Who in the HELL searches for .....


Another day in my life

...blah blah.....

not much....the sheer amount of presents for my children is STAGGERING. The closet is FULL. Do they need ANY of it? Nope.

A few boxes will either be freecycled or given to the pregnancy center very soon, if I can convince the Dorf to let go....isn't it usually the WOMEN who are pack rats?

We just got some snow-15 cms or so! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. In about 3 weeks I'll be complaining, so enjoy it.

The cold will not relent, and I feel like crap for half the day. The doctors give me that "sissy" look when I see them, so apparently just a virus. Nothing I can do. I WISH it would become something else.

My local grocer FINALLY has TING!

Somehow, my work load has doubled lately. Hence the lack of comments on other blogs, and lack of posts on this one.....

remind me to tell you the story about the Dorf and the Green Party sign...

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My brother calls.

So i'm sitting here, sick, browsing the internet as I wait to go to the doctor for what feels like hell in my throat when the phone rings.

It's my brother. He's crying.

W never cries. W is 7 years older than me, and I've never seen him express this type of raw emotion, except for the time a girl broke his heart, and he wondered if he'd spend the rest of his life alone. I don't remember him crying after our mother died. I just remember the grim look that has remained on his face since then.

His friend, an ex who is a better friend than a lover, her father just had a heart attack, and they found him dead. EMS tried to recover him, but he is gone.

W never liked this man, for whatever reason. Nor did his friend, but it was her father, so it's that kind of complicated. I was wrong. I don't know where I got this idea, but my Dad corrected me. There was something involving the mother that was weird, and I got mixed up. I hurt someone saying this. I'm sorry.

My brother is calling, and crying-I'm sure, because suddenly he remembers our mother, remembers losing her, the heartbreak, the whimpering quiet sad that lingered, the helplessness in the waiting rooms.

Where do you go after someone dies? Do you stay at the hospital , waiting for something to change, for a past to alter? Do you drive to the nearest Tim Hortons, drink coffee blindly against your fate? Do you curl up into the smallest possible thing, and cry like a broken child?

And what can I say that he's never heard? He knows there is nothing I can say, that anyone can say. People die. Hearts hurt. We move on.

I want to be able to say something profound to him, something moving and simple that will take away the hurt. But for all my talents, all the magic I can sometimes conjure up with words and song, I find myself lacking.

And that hurts too.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Questions Answered

So I only feel half dead (a temporary respite I'm sure) so I'll take the time now to write....

Liesl, the tired Mommy at
Diary of a Tired Mom started things off with "What are the best and worst things about your job? "

Bar none the WORST thing is the other people. Now don't get me wrong-I do like a few of them, but as a group, I have never worked with a bigger group of immature, whiny, self absorbed people in my entire life. Today a sign had to be put up gently reminding people to NOT eat stinky food (i.e. FISH) in the office environment. Other popular causes for drama:
  1. The temperature: Otherwise known as "I dressed like it's July in November, can't be bothered to wear a sweater, and now will make everyone else annoyed and uncomfortable by forcing people to turn the heat up.
  2. Perfume. TECHNICALLY we are scent reduced. (whatever the HELL that means) Yet still, people come to work bathed in stink, claiming it's only hand soap, shampoo and/or pit stick. Personally, I don't understand HOW any of those items would stay so smelly on the commute, but that's me. Having a 30 minute sneeze fest punctuated only by "what the FUCK is that stench" is not my idea of fun at work.
  3. Food theft. I REALLY don't get this one. It's the work fridge. I've SEEN what these people eat-WHY would you want it?

I was glad to get out of school to get away from this shit. Only to discover it never goes away-it just gets older, dumber and fatter.

What do I LIKE about my job? Currently, the flexibility. I'm lucky to have a laptop, a work cell and a boss who is a single mom with kids. She GETS it. So long as my work gets done, no questions are asked. And I like helping customers since I hate bad service, so administrating the customer survey is kinda cool. Somedays....

Carin, of the infamous "OTHER VOMIT COMET", thought she'd be funny and ask "Do you have your airmiles card? "

Now, BEFORE I kill her, you may be asking what in the HELL she's talking about. If you aren't in Canada, you won't know. We have this AirMiles card up her, ostensibly to collect points towards flights. HA! I'd need to spend something like 30,000$ to get enough to fly to Montreal from here. The most I've got is a magazine subscription.

We have the worlds most annoying commercial, featuring a woman, pondering all the CRAP she's gotten with her Air Miles card as she searches for it.

If this woman is ever in my line, I will start throwing frozen fiddleheads at her I swear.....and YES I have the damn thing.....

The Dorf is at home right now Carin...I'll send him for you.... (just kidding)

One of my most favorite Bloggers, The Martian Anthropologist, stopped himself before being rude (unlike SOME know who you are) and asked.."What's the best part about living in Canada?"

So I thought about this over the weekend, as it is a good question. Top of my head, is our "free" health care. My mother died of breast cancer, so to imagine not only dying but being worried about bankrupting your family...that freaks me out....I'll take the taxes so long as I know our health will be looked after. There are some kinks in the system, but I'm quite sure that they'll be ironed out after the boomers die anyway.

I love the fact that people from all over the world live in Canada, and that for the most part, NO ONE CARES. No one yells and screams about sending them back, about how they're eating OUR tax dollars, etc, etc. For the most part, people are accepting of those from other countries. We're a country BASED on immigrants, and I myself wouldn't be here if someone 4 generations back hadn't of jumped on a ship and came over. I grew up with friends of all colors, and I never even realized it. Not many places are like that.

I'm proud that for the most part, we are PEACEKEEPERS. I LOVE that, and would one day love to join their ranks. We fix stuff. We're like Switzerland without the chocolate and with more trucks. I like that people trust and count on Canadians for survival, and for help, without worrying what it will cost them.

I had never thought that I might be a patriot, as that conjured up images of breast beating Americans with flags and WWJD? bracelets. But being a patriot can be quiet, and simple. I know I would stand up for Canada if I needed to, and that matters most. That my country makes me care on the simplest level possible.

My favorite Daddy, Dread Pirate Robert, asked, "Were you born on the Miramichi? I was and I have the t-shirt to prove it. "

Thank whatever gods you like NO NO NO! I was born, and bred in the REAL world, Ontario. We moved here 4 years ago when my job came here. Seemed like a good time to leave Toronto. Funny, if we had of stayed, we'd have no children. At the time, 2 roads showed themselves. I picked this one.

And I do not LIKE Miramichi. It's dirty, and I REALLY did NOT dig how you're driving along and WHAM! there's a HUGE ass bridge. I do not like bridges.

What part are you from Robert?

Without You, from "

East of Adelaide" asked, I'm playing Santa at a kids party tomorrow. Any tips? Should I watch Bad Santa before I go? "

Now, I realize you already played Santa, but you should have watched Badder Santa. I HATE Thorton, but that movie was FUNNY! Any movie that has someone talking about a Santa fetish is ok by me!

And Santa's are cool. I'm glad you were able to get out and have some fun. Kids always make people happy.

The Peppylady asked "What do the majorty of Canadain think of our president Bush or even you? "

I think for the most part, we just don't understand how in the HELL someone like that gets RE-elected. It's like this friend I had in high school-I told her that fucking Jake once could be considered an accident, but the 2nd time was a problem we needed to have a little chat about. We just cannot fathom how or WHY you would reelect someone who has done nothing but try and destroy your country. I cannot see anything good coming from his reign.....oops, I mean term...Even when the public tells him to stop, he doesn't listen.

Personally, I think he's a blithering moron who is a figurehead for powerful lobbies. I highly doubt he would be anywhere had his parents not "helped" I have nothing but distain for this. Jeb drives me equally nuts, but at least it looks like he tries to govern fairly (the Schiavo case notwithstanding) and doesn't wade any further out of his depth (that's a perception however, BEFORE I get yelled at) I've pondered moving to Nashville, but so long as your country resembles a police state, and is "led" be someone who couldn't lead rats off a sinking ship, I'll stay right here.

EV, from Emotional Vomit, decided to be a smart ass and ask, "Why does my dog keep eating horse shit? Please, explain this to me - I really want to know."

Sadly, I actually know the answer-It's called Coprophagia, and it rather normal as disgusting as that is (actually, considering the amount of women who get Pica, I guess it's not that bad at all)

Basically, your dog is nuts. Or, likes the taste of crap. Either get him a pet shrink, or throw something the dog hates in the shit. Ironic as that is. Here's a link even..

And last but not least, Nicotine Jones asked, "why did you choose Martian Manhunter for your photo?"

The short answer is that I think he fucking rocks.

The long answer is that I have long thought of myself as a person who can intergrate into any place, and "become" what other people want me to be. I can disguise myself, and blend in quite nicely. I've also always felt like there was just me left, this constant sense of "alone" that has never ever gone away. Like I lost something so long ago I can't even remember it, save that it's not there....

That was fun. Feel free to ask more. I had to actually think about some of them.....and some, I had to try and remember certain radio station addresses so I can mail something smelly......

Monday, December 05, 2005

I'm sick...

AGAIN. The worst part about kids is they are portable biowarfare units. I can't swallow, can't cough since it feels like razors up my throat, and generally feel like crap. AND I have some deadlines, so I HAVE to work today, even at home...


questions answered tonight or tomorrow, whenever I DO NOT feel like death.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Ask me a question and I'll tell you no lies.

As I'm feeling rather rainy, and lacking the energy to rant (although multiple "can't read the sign RIGHT in front of me to open the door on the bus instances are SCREAMING to be made fun of) I figured that I'd like to know what YOU would like to know.

That's right. Ask me ANYTHING. And I will answer, as I do not like to lie.

Let the fun begin. I'm basically letting y'all write the post....

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The wonderful magic that is..."BEARDS"

So, I'm sitting on the bus on my way home the other night, when I notice about three men with those thick puffy beards standing around. Now honestly, I thought that perhaps the conversions to Islam were on the increase-then I remembered that winter is coming, and you need all the insulation you can get (hence the lack of shaving on the legs).

And I stopped to think. I LIKE beards. I really do-they're bushy and fuzzy and you can, in some cases, hide things in the bears or do neat things to it. He keeps a face warm, hides stupid looking chins, makes a guy look marginally interesting. Beards beg to be yanked.

You could use these like a dip stick!

People with Beards
Serj Tankian
Kenny Rogers
Ulysses S. Grant
Sigmund Freud
Lao Tsu

MOUSTACHES on the other hand, make me rather ill. There is something weasely about a moustache. Like the guy can't be bothered to tend to a beard, and instead copped out and left that thin ickly line of steel wool on his lip. Who wants to kiss a guy with one? When the Dorf grows his in, it's hard and pokey and annoying, and I won't go near him until it's gone. It HURTS.

ICK ICK ICK. He looks like a blind mole rat.

People with Moustaches
Adolf Hitler
Hulk Hogan
Saddam Hussein
Geraldo Rivera

The answer is clear:

Beards: Good

Moustaches, Crazy and/or evil.

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