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Loving Thumpy de ThumpThump

My daughter Vivian (aka THumpy de ThumpThump) is having trouble adjusting to lack of Mommy during the week now that I've returned to work. So today, she was the Grade A beef version of a brat, and then when we put her to bed, she SCREAMED "I want Mommy".

I feel so fucking guilty.

Part of me savours every single minute with her, storing memories, faces, moments away in case, just in case,cancer eats me too. It's a terrible morbid way to live, but I wonder if my mother would have done things differently had she known.

Part of me loves this child so much that i can feel my heart burning when I'm away from her. It's fierce and scary and I'm in awe of the fact that I feel this way. I don't want her to ever feel pain. Hell, she fell off the couch and smacked her head on the coffee table, leaving a nice goosebump. My heart stopped, and I was crying harder.

For those of you with kids older than mine, does this only get worse? I don't know if my heart can hold anymore. And I really don't know if my heart can handle it if something was to happen.

And it's not that I'm ignoring Rosalyn. I just really dislike babies. I hated Vivian until 10 months or so too. When do I stop feeling the second born guilt.

"Got enough guilt to start my own religon." (sorry Tori-it applies today)

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