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I'm such a Sissy

I watched Crash the other night. I wasn't really prepared for the sheer depressiveness of the movie. (OK, going on a downward dog facing type of mood swing lately isn't helping but still)

I knew the scene would come. I just KNEW it. The entire movie was building up to it. Good father, moves to a better neighbourhood to protect sweet daughter, etc, etc.

And I fell for it like a sucker. I started bawling at that scene, for many reasons. (I'm not directly naming the scene in case you haven't seen it)

The idea that I wouldn't be able to protect my child, that there are some things I cannot prevent, or change-that is what always gets to me. I constantly worry about being hit by cars, people hurting them, etc. I cry all the time for these things, but this movie conveyed the thought so well. The pain on the father's face, the panic, the sheer panic.....

I started thinking about it when I watched this movie. I hurt so much over these things all the time because I have allowed myself to love my children. After losing my mother, I blocked out that feeling so hard that it seems foreign to have it back again. And it scares me to think that this is the result of feeling those things again. My heart hurts so much, be it from love exploding from my chest, or the fear the constricts it when I think of losing them. Go figure-2 kids I never wanted, who I love more than anything.

In a way, I cry and get sad sometimes because this is all so transient. Vivian standing next to me, panting like a dog as she dances on her tiptoes-how much longer will she do that? How much longer until I can't kiss and kiss and kiss her until she giggles? How much longer until someone breaks her giant heart? How much longer until Rosalyn can walk away from me?

My father repeats and repeats that it all goes so fast. And he's right. Only yesterday I was a scared first time Mom to be, staring at my husband on the back porch, asking each other "Are We Ready?"

Last night I watched a "Biography" of Gene Simmons, more because I was too lazy to change the channel than anything else. (He actually seems like a neat guy, and I have to respect anyone who has utter control of their life as he does) He said something very relevant, since he was a "no kids" guy as well. He said his kids were the best thing he ever did.

I couldn't agree more.

I was fearing that scene since the moment the father got home and tucked his daughter in. You're right, I knew it was coming. Doesn't mean I was prepared for it when it came.

I thought the movie was very good and actually LESS depressing than everyone said it would be. It didn't leave me feeling drained or hating the world like some other flicks I've seen recently. And by "recently" I mean the last two years or so...I don't see many movies.

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