They aren't even a radish
I try to live my in law family, I really, really do.
Generally speaking, I'm not difficult to get along with. Granted, I'm not a huge people person, which is why I LOVE this online thing, but in normal, everyday life, I'm fairly easy going IF you're not an assmonkey to me.
Which is why my inlaws and SIL drive me fucking batshit.
After the in law invasion last month, my husband was left reeling from what I have since termed his first real ADULT encounter with his parents. Why you ask? Because his family seems to be from the school of "nothing nice to say? Say it loudly, and repeatedly."
It drives me freaking insane, coming from a family of "keep your mouth shut unless someone is bleeding." I was raised to respect the ways other people behaved, even if I didn't agree.
The family I married into doesn't seem to agree with this. I've now been suffering through the SIL invasion, and thankfully, it's almost over. Of course, we had the first few days where she sat there cleaning and complaining about how "filthy" our house is and how "we're lucky we don't have rodents"
She's lucky I wasn't home when she said these things.
Now, it's progressed into getting drunk, and yelling at her brother for things that happened 15 years ago, and claiming he's a bad lazy father.
My husband works part time because it SAVES us money, and because we've made a concious CHOICE to raise our children ourselves. But apparently, we should be working for the almighty dollar, and throw them into daycare.
WHY do some people think that a week spent around my children qualifies them to lecture me in parenting? Why do I have to explain time and time again, that trying to argue with a tired, hungry toddler is an exercise in futility, and NOT something they should be punished for? How do I explain to an ADULT that when a 3 year old tells you to go away, it's NORMAL, and you do NOT have to get in a pout and tell HER to go away then anyway?
I'm so fucking SICK and tired of never having his family say a good thing about how we're raising our children. It's constant negativity, and I'm about to make a "no in-laws" rule in the house. We ARE doing a good job. The smiles and laughter on their faces tell us that, and the reaction of everyone else to our children also tell us that. They are well mannered and GOOD kids. I'm beginning to be more than a little offended that his family cannot manage to see that.
We work hard, and we do it ALONE. So if the floor is dirty, so what? My mother was always cleaning, and I wish to death I had more memories of her playing to sustain me. I don't want my daughters to remember me cleaning. And what gives ANYONE the right to come into my house, and act like that? It's RUDE. If I tell you to leave the housework alone, that means leave it alone. If we sit and let the kids play and relax for awhile, that doesn't mean we're dumping them on you-that means we're operating as normal, and you feel the need to hover over them.
And if I say "let them get hurt" when they drop something on their toes, it's because that's how some kids LEARN. They won't learn much if I coddle them in every single instance where they could be hurt, or if I'm constantly providing a running diaglogue of "don't do that". Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion in his family, I HAVE read up a LOT on child development and parenting, and I'm not doing this stuff just cause.
More than anything, I'm sick of having people around who make me so angry, and who NEVER EVER say "your kids rule"
THIS is why we live over 18 hours away from his family, and likely will for a very long time.
Am I the only one? Does anyone else have this problem? My own family is so NOT like this, that it's really hard for me to handle...
Generally speaking, I'm not difficult to get along with. Granted, I'm not a huge people person, which is why I LOVE this online thing, but in normal, everyday life, I'm fairly easy going IF you're not an assmonkey to me.
Which is why my inlaws and SIL drive me fucking batshit.
After the in law invasion last month, my husband was left reeling from what I have since termed his first real ADULT encounter with his parents. Why you ask? Because his family seems to be from the school of "nothing nice to say? Say it loudly, and repeatedly."
It drives me freaking insane, coming from a family of "keep your mouth shut unless someone is bleeding." I was raised to respect the ways other people behaved, even if I didn't agree.
The family I married into doesn't seem to agree with this. I've now been suffering through the SIL invasion, and thankfully, it's almost over. Of course, we had the first few days where she sat there cleaning and complaining about how "filthy" our house is and how "we're lucky we don't have rodents"
She's lucky I wasn't home when she said these things.
Now, it's progressed into getting drunk, and yelling at her brother for things that happened 15 years ago, and claiming he's a bad lazy father.
My husband works part time because it SAVES us money, and because we've made a concious CHOICE to raise our children ourselves. But apparently, we should be working for the almighty dollar, and throw them into daycare.
WHY do some people think that a week spent around my children qualifies them to lecture me in parenting? Why do I have to explain time and time again, that trying to argue with a tired, hungry toddler is an exercise in futility, and NOT something they should be punished for? How do I explain to an ADULT that when a 3 year old tells you to go away, it's NORMAL, and you do NOT have to get in a pout and tell HER to go away then anyway?
I'm so fucking SICK and tired of never having his family say a good thing about how we're raising our children. It's constant negativity, and I'm about to make a "no in-laws" rule in the house. We ARE doing a good job. The smiles and laughter on their faces tell us that, and the reaction of everyone else to our children also tell us that. They are well mannered and GOOD kids. I'm beginning to be more than a little offended that his family cannot manage to see that.
We work hard, and we do it ALONE. So if the floor is dirty, so what? My mother was always cleaning, and I wish to death I had more memories of her playing to sustain me. I don't want my daughters to remember me cleaning. And what gives ANYONE the right to come into my house, and act like that? It's RUDE. If I tell you to leave the housework alone, that means leave it alone. If we sit and let the kids play and relax for awhile, that doesn't mean we're dumping them on you-that means we're operating as normal, and you feel the need to hover over them.
And if I say "let them get hurt" when they drop something on their toes, it's because that's how some kids LEARN. They won't learn much if I coddle them in every single instance where they could be hurt, or if I'm constantly providing a running diaglogue of "don't do that". Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion in his family, I HAVE read up a LOT on child development and parenting, and I'm not doing this stuff just cause.
More than anything, I'm sick of having people around who make me so angry, and who NEVER EVER say "your kids rule"
THIS is why we live over 18 hours away from his family, and likely will for a very long time.
Am I the only one? Does anyone else have this problem? My own family is so NOT like this, that it's really hard for me to handle...
Not lately but I used to. My MIL was kind and would do anything for me but she was also opinionated (as was I). Oil and water much of the time. We worked it out over the years, at least somewhat.
Now I'm the MIL and my lip stays buttoned no matter how much I want to say something.
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:10 p.m.
Oh Thordora, come sit next to me, my punky sister.
I also have a friend who behaves this way about my kids. As a new friend who also knows her said today, She has very clear ideas of how to raise other people's kids. Meanwhile she uses a nanny to raise her own.
When yoiur kids turn out to be normal, well-adjusted, well-liked and more wonderful than they are today, you can laugh. That's what I plan to do. No one likes to play witha spoiled, coddled child nor have that parent over for coffee (or in my case rum & coke).
You're totally invited :)
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:39 p.m.
Here's a trick. If you visit family ask about which hotel you should stay in ? make a big thing about it ("Oh we don't want to be a bother, the children and all...") and stay in a hotel. SOOOO when they visit you, they can in no way expect to stay with you. If they do just say "Great you are coming to visit we will enjoy spending time with you. Are you booking the hotel or shall I?"
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:33 a.m.
I have had a few problems with in-laws and opinions but generally things have gotten much better over the years. Nowadays we're the parents who get all of the accolades for raising such a happy child while the SIL has 'the handful' who needs watched constantly and refuses to listen.
I have to say, in my grudge-holding sort of way I was kind of tickled that her kid was the one skipping naps and having tantrums over sleep and my own co-sleeping. Years of talking about how we needed to sleep-train Lucy so that she could sleep as well as her cousin suddenly out the window. Plus I love that when her son is around us he suddenly expresses interest in animals and coloring while we have been told over and over that he doesn't care for either.
FWIW, I raise my kid similarly to how you describe raising yours, and can't imagine doing it any other way. Experiential learning is, well, how kids learn. Plus it is a huge building block for later education. I could write a book on the in-law preschool battle but that's a matter for my own blog :)
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:26 a.m.
Oooo, they sound like a barrel of laughs. The only thing I am hoping as I read that is that you do stand up for yourself when they say those things about/to you. No one has the right to come into your home and degrade your choices, and it's not a free ticket to evaluate your method of operation just because they are family. One thing that I have found to work refreshingly well is to be direct and to say as politely as possible, EXACTLY how I feel. Or embarrass them! Like "My goodness, I would never dream of saying such a thing to someone, especially a family member! How rude of you!" Or, "You know what mother? That is really none of you business and I don't feel comfortable talking about it with you." Have you tried any of that kind of stuff? I'm curious as to how they would react. They sound like absolute nutjobs.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:02 a.m.
Wow, 18 hours? I'm only an hour or so away from my family and they haven't visited me yet. But once I get married and have kids I might have to leave the country. ;)
Good luck, Dor!
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:09 p.m.
Just wait Nicole. People who otherwise can't be bothered with you will decend upon you like a plague of locusts..
she means well....his parents do as well, I just cannot STAND it when people pick up this "what about me" anthem. Of COURSE you want the kids to like you. Of COURSE it's hard to only see them once a year. It's hard for us to only have relatives around som eof the time, unlike many people I know who can dump them off on the weekends. We can't. So we've closed ranks.
With his family, sarcasm is either lost or turned back against the speaker, and actually saying 'DUDE-feck OFF already" has been proven as something that doesn't work. I just try to bite my tongue and wait to go to work.
Doesn't help that I HATE confrontation either.
Posted by
thordora |
12:35 p.m.
I could have written that post six years ago.
I divorced that family when my husband began to agree with them... NOT that I recommend THAT course of action!
However, I knew it was going to go downhill after my FIL suggested we get an abortion becuase we were too young to have kids (23 and 25).
I'm not afraid of confrontation, I'm probably a little too unafraid of confrontation actually... so I was never able to back down and just let their words bounce off of me.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:03 p.m.