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Baby Lust, and the tubal road taken.

I can no longer bear children.

I'm ok with this, but lately, with the help of my medication, I'm beginning to understand the craving for a baby that some women have.

I have never, EVER felt this before. I never wanted kids at all. My experiences with PPD after the births of my children helped ensure I'd never have anymore. It's not safe for me to breed. It's why I can relate to Andrea Yates. Because I know that the next child, or the one after that, would be the death of me, and some of them too. Because I'm wired wrong, and it does bad things.

I've noticed in myself what I'd almost term a mourning for a part of my life I'll never, ever live again, and a sadness for not embracing it to begin with.

What defines a woman more than her ability to bear and sustain life? It is what makes us female-and I don't mean that having kids defines us, but our potential makes us woman. My breasts which can produce milk, my uterus which can bring forth what will become a child-these things are so much a part of being a woman, and I shook them off, ignored them for so long.

What power! How fantastic is it to create life! I remember sitting when pregnant, and meditating on the duality I held at that moment. I was the host for something that would hopefully spring forth alive and healthy and ready, full of potential. Feeling the quickening for the first time is something I will never, ever forget.

It's comforting in a way to feel the way endless numbers of women have felt, wanting a child in my belly, but it's disappointing to only feel it now, after the option is gone. And maybe that's why I'm able to feel it-because there is no chance of it actually coming to fruition.

For now, I'll stare wistfully at the newborn sleepers, and remember when, and remember if. I could drive myself crazy wishing I did it differently.

Or I can smile at the newborns, and quietly walk away, holding my daughters hands.

It a feeling all women will face. Some who don't even get to give birth, some when they hit menopause.. So for now I am waiting for the jump for joy they've gone to college moment!

I found your blog via BloggingBaby and have been reading for awhile now. I too struggle with PPD as well as not-pregnancy-related depression/anxiety disorders. I admire your raw honesty.

I was always a never-wanted-kids type as well. My daughter was not planned, but she was not prevented either. I was very ambivalent even throughout my pregnancy and her infanthood. Now that she is 2 years, I find myself feeling baby lust for another.

I have so many regrets about my daughter's infanthood. I second-guess myself that perhaps I just want a chance to "do it right this time." I don't want to have another child simply to feed my perfectionist needs. Also, my PPD was so bad that my husband refuses to even chance doing it again.

How did you overcome your first experience with PPD to go on and have a second child?

If you get that urge to have another one, borrow mine on a "teething" day, for a while. that oughta do it. lol ;-)

Little Mrs. Comfy Shoes-I LOVE that name btw...it's the most interesting thing, to finally feel that craving for a baby. Weird though. It's hard to accept.

Charlotte-welcome! Thank you for the compliment. I try to be very honest with my battles because I felt so alone after giving birth, and if I can help someone feel that much better about it....

Ours were very much NOT planned. Like I say, the first is an accident, the second a fuck up. We had gone for so long not worrying about it, and I had been told my uterus was tilted, so conceiving would be very hard.

Heh. Guess who figured out the one position that makes conception VERY easy. Yep, me.

I had just started to adjust and enjoy my first when I found myself pregnant again when she was 10 months. And the second pregnancy was the straw breaking my brain-I firmly believe that the second pregnancy triggered a latent bipolar into full blown PROBLEM. The PPD was manageable the first time-the second time, it almost ended very badly, and it's taken this long to come to grips with it. I still expect something to "go wrong" with Rosalyn as punishment for wishing her dead those first few weeks.

So I wish I could say I overcame it, but I didn't. It happened to me, or I let it happen, because we could have aborted, but I just kept wondering, 'What if this is my last chance at a kid? What if when we do want one, we can't?"

So we did it, and it was the hardest thing ever. Dealing with a toddler and being pregnant, NOT fun. At least it wasn't for me.

BUT, I watch them play together now, and the concern in Vivian's voice today as Rosalyn has a fever and feels pooey-it's so great!

My advice-if you want to get pregnant again, talk with your doctor or shrink about treatment you can sustain thru pregnancy-my doctor never really asked about how i was doing emotionally, and it would have helped.

Also, make sure you have TONS of help lined up, so you can just lay in bed with the baby for the first few weeks or so. I would have been a lot better if I would have had more help around-we didn't, and I was exhausted.

And it isn't a do over-I thought the same, that I could enjoy the "baby".

I hate babies. I really do. I love them now, as little people. But the second goes so fast anyway..it all goes so fast...

I'm babbling now-feel free to email me if you want to talk it over. I'm fairly yappy. :P

Nat-um, no. My boobs only have so much magic, and teething seems to nullify that. :P She was damn cute yesterday though...

Love your honesty T.

It took us 10 years to have RR1, but all the miscarriages took the joy out of being pregnant. Every twinge and ache induced panic in me.

Then, the second almost killed me.

I'm envious of those women who have blissfull pregnancies. Actually I want to smack them.

I'm very done having babies, I have, while cuddling with RR#2 had the insane thoughts of....."*sigh* never again will I have a baby"...followed by "OMG, WTF am I thinking??"

A 3rd will surely kill me.

Charlotte- you can go on anti-depressants prior to delivery, I had been on them because I have a history of depression and PPD. I had to go off the month before I gave birth because I got so sick. I'm back on them now.

How brave you are to talk about this.

I haven't been down your road but I'm glad you're there for those who have or who are afraid.

thordora - I agree that help/support can make all the difference. I didn't have much of any help which greatly influenced the severity of my PPD. Unfortunately, I don't really see that being different for a future birth.

jennifer - I was on antidepressants the first time too. Before, during, and after birth. Unfortunately I ended up needing a stronger cocktail which would have forced me to wean earlier than I wanted. So I put off the switch in meds too long so that I could breastfeed longer. Ironically, my daughter never learned to latch and I ended up pumping exclusively until she was a year old. In hindsight, I should have chosen my sanity over bfing. But, ya know, hindsight is 20/20.

Even though I was way over my head after two, I chose to have a third and finally a forth. I put my foot down and told The Husband no more and got my tubes tied. It was a hard to put an end to that time of my life, makes me feel old.

I had/have PPD each time and stopped meds when I got pregnant. I'm back on meds still trying to make things right in my head. Thank God Baby boy is the easiest baby ever (he loved the carrots btw).

I love reading you blog because you are so honest about everything when I only can be flippant at best. Keep on Writing!

Oops! my Comment wasn't supposed to be anonymous! I even previewed... lol It's me over here, I'm the one with the four kids ;-)

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