Do you love your mother, the way I love mine?
I can't remember the name of the Sophie. B. Hawkins song that line is from, but I'll always adore the song.
Tomorrow is apparently BirthMother Day, the day after Mother's Day.
Ah, to have so many issues surrounding both. And to have neither mother with me. To have one mother dead, the other seemingly disapproving and distant.
Sometimes I wish I never found my birth mother, never had the crashing reality around me. It was easier when I could dream about the person she must be, when I could pretend she was a person I could love and respect. I wish I didn't constantly wonder where my half sister is, what she thinks of me. Does she hate me? What was she told after I disappeared from her life, after telling me she always wanted a sister, and never seeing me again?
I wish my birthmother wasn't such, well, a bitch. I wish it would have been easier to like her. I wish it didn't hurt so fucking much to watch her cuddle my then 11 year old sister, while I stood in the doorway, unsure where to place my eyes. I wish it didn't hurt to look at my wedding pictures, and see her looking so unhappy.
But I'm ok this year, for once. Mother's Day isn't filling me with the sense of dread I've come to associate with the day. Ok, I'm a little weepy, but nothing new there. But this year feels different. It feels like I finally cast off, to some degree, the grief that I couldn't cause to relent. It's like breathing again. It's nice. It's nice to think of a day and not immediately constrict in a few places. It's nice to be able to not care.
I miss my mother. I miss her more than I with ever be able to express. I miss this things other people take for granted-meddling, getting in arguments. I miss that I never had the chance to know my mother as a person. I miss her never getting to know her grandchildren.
But this year, I think I'm ok with it.
Thanks for that, Dor. Thanks for reminding me that no matter how insane or irrational my mother can become, I should shut up and be grateful that she's here. It was only a few years ago that we came very close to losing her. :(
*hug*
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:20 a.m.
I'm glad things are a little better for you now.
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:33 a.m.
Find strength in the fact that your kids have you around as they are growing. Savor every second and make sure to get some quality time with 'em every day. Those kids love you to bits.... Anyone can see that! ;-)
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:19 p.m.
At the very last minue, I wrote two posts. One about my birth mother and one about my adoptive mother who raised me (and is still around at almost 94).
I'm glad I knew my birth mother - not so glad about some of it though.
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:26 p.m.
One thing I tell myself a lot, is that anyone can have a child, but it takes a truly special person to be a mother.
Growing up with the Mother from Hell opened my eyes to other people's mothers. I used to daydream that "janes" mom was really mine, that she would hug me after school and kiss my forehead and help me with my homework. In those moments I think I created the mother I will become.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:06 p.m.
Thanks all. I just plain old miss my mommy sometimes, although I wonder if we'd even have gotten along, with BOTH of us being stubborn as all hell.
Jen You an me both. I used to dream about having a mother. Except I had the closure of death.
Posted by
thordora |
2:11 p.m.