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Ever have that sneaking feeling that you aren't the fun loving cool person you think you are? I've been having that lately.

It's not just the frum (the front bum, for all you NON breeding folk).

My Dad, for some strange reason, is really into Numerology. It's odd considering when I was interested in Wicca as a young kid, he FREAKED the hell out, muttering something about the devil under his breath. Had the same reaction to a Ouiji board as I recall.

Dad left on Wednesday, leaving me my detailed chart which he had written (after I, for the 400th time, told him my birthday.)

I might add that I don't really believe in this crap, but I figured something about me by my father might have some tidbits that are relevant to how I am, his observations of me. My Dad doesn't really ever say anything like "You're good at this" or any type of feedback period. I always feel like I don't really know him. I always feel distant from him, held at arms length.

There is irony there. Leave it alone.

So I take this bundle into the bathroom with me, and begin to read. Most of it is nothing I don't know. Holds cards close to her chest. Impacted by early loss. Feels responsible for those around her.

Then I notice a recurring theme.

Doesn't know how to have fun. Needs to loosen up. Should have more fun.

I've always thought I was a fun person. Granted, my idea of fun is far removed, and oft-times odd, but I'm fun, right?

This really got me thinking. What if I'm NOT fun. What if I'm actually more boring than I thought? I know I live far too much in my own head, and I prefer my own company to most others. I find contact with other people tiring and sometimes stressful. If I have people over, I always feel like I've forgotten something, I should feed them or....something.

And I'm thinking about this on the bus when the minimum wage women from the local low rental housing get on, sitting next to me and behind me. They look old to me, but likely only in their 30's, working at Tim Hortons. Their enthralling conversation follows:

MWW1: Man, I don't even remember how many drinks I had. How'd I get home?
MWW2: I know man, you were totally hammered. Where was George?
MWW1: I don't know how I got home. I don't know how I opened my door. Where was George, behind me? I gave away 7 beers from a 24, so I guess I drank a lot.
MWW2: Don't forget the shooters! Man, you were so trashed. I started drinking yesterday from 4:30pm, and crawled into bed at 3am

It went on like this for awhile. And while I do NOT think this is fun (not at their age at least) it got me wondering if I'm missing some fun gene or something, if I'm unable to just let go, and hang loose. That very well may be. But not without reason. I've spent my entire life being told, by my father especially, to calm down, be quiet, stop figeting, no, I don't play games, go outside and play by yourself, etc, etc, etc.

So now that I'm quiet and independent and sit still, I should have more fun?

Or is it a comment on my demeanor, being so serious. What does he expect? He acts like I'm guided by my life and it's losses, and to a degree I am. But I also think I'm pretty damn adjusted for all the things in my life, and if that means a fair dose of worry and less levity, that's fine. I also find it amusing that the one person in my life that never did much to help whatever was wrong with me, is the one telling me to lighten up. I've waiting over 10 years for him to be sober, and he only manages that half the year.

I'm sure on some level, he still sees the funloving, free spirit I was as a child, and wishes I could still have that. But I'll never be her again, and it's sad and frustrating to think that he's wishing that after I finally got over it.

Not to mention that no one wants to be called a boring prude.

If you tell them you’re a christen they surly won’t freak out. It real doesn’t matter if you’re a good or bad christen. As long as your one of them.

You a boring prude? I don't think so.

One person's "fun" is another's "not in your wildest dreams" And I don't remember anything especially funny about blackouts and feeling I owe an apology for something I couldn't remember. (Usually I did though). I was as mouthy then as I am now - only my focus has changed.

Ya know what I think? I think you should take this not in a negative viewpoint, but as part of your innate characteristics. This is who you are! You cannot change such things. I am the same way, and I'm told by family that I"m not fun.

Tell me seirously, do you really want to be part of that underground community of drunks? I know I wouldn't!

U have a family and everything they probably wish they could have, but sadly, is less attainable for them.

you're doing great.

Granny I guess prude was a bit much huh? But I swear, he makes me feel like a nun sometimes. And you're right. yet another thing that is relative.

Rowan I've been part of the closet drunk organization, and I have the tshirt. Even then it wasn't fun. I just find myself wondering, geez, what exactly do people see when they see me? I sometimes worry that my perception of me is WAAAYY off base.

//I know I live far too much in my own head, and I prefer my own company to most others. I find contact with other people tiring and sometimes stressful. If I have people over, I always feel like I've forgotten something, I should feed them or....something.//

Are you sure that I didn't write this???

I ask myself this type of thing all the time. I'm absolutely convinced that, 35 years from now when I'm not as spry as I used to be, I'll regret how little I did with my life. That thought is already depressing.

Man... if YOU are boring, then people must fall asleep at the sight of me. lol

You are a fun person. I always have a blast hanging out with you, even if all we do is sit and get "climbed on" by your kids. Always entertaining to talk to you.

Nicole That's what I'm trying to stave off-but I also don't want to be constrained by what I THINK should be fun. It's weird, cause at the same time, I packed a LOT of stuff into a few years as a teenager, so I don't always feel bad. I just worry I won't have DONE certain things when I'm older.

Nat I think we're all boring to someone. ANd I'm entertaining as a defensive mechanism. :P

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