Spin Me I Pulsate.

What is it about my local mall that makes me want to pull my hair out, grab a broadsword and run through it's aisles, giggling like an evil dictator? For that matter, what is it about the local mall that caused my water to break with my firstborn, or makes me grit my teeth and be "extra special nice" so I don't lose it?

A few simple hints for the obviously lobotomized walking public:

1. Yes, that's a corner. Girls, the WORST possible time for you to discuss where BlueNotes is located is when you are standing in from of me and the buggy with the kids in it at a blind corner. Next time, I'm going to smash into you and pretend we're bowling.
2. An aisle is only an aisle when it's shared-OTHER PARENTS-having multiple children with you does NOT make it ok to walk akimbo, causing me to drive into a rack of half price jeans. Show some respect for others, and move over. Bonus Points: Not staring at ME like I'm the spawn of Satan for glaring at you as I attempt to move said buggy out of said rack will help me not think of karmic retribution involving vomiting and strange rashes.
3. Coffee? Why yes,I'd love one. Just because I have my kids with me does not mean I don't want a coffee. Stop taking up the entire waiting space with your 200.00 jeans and hair with far too much "product" (what the hell IS product anyway? Bunny eyes?)
4. Got another buggy? Guess what honey, after I have moved over as far as I possibly can, it's YOUR TURN. When I have to ram the side of yours, and then laugh sheepishly while thinking "you're a nipple", it means that it's your turn to share. I know it's hard, but come on.
5. WATCH YOUR FREAKING SPAWN. It's a damn good thing I actually pay attention when I have a stroller or buggy with me, because if I didn't, your idiot children would be nothing more than a bloody mangled mess of kid. Where are the parents half the time? The kid can walk for 200 feet with a toy, and still not seem to have a keeper! And these kids always seem to walk directly in front of me as I'm in a hurry, or even just trying to go around a display. If they cannot be counted on to be careful, then tether them. Outside if possible.
6. Don't give me that look because I have a buggy and you don't. Your kid is at least 8. He can walk.
7. Hurry the fuck up. If you're in a main aisle, and the slightly harried tired mother is annoyed at your lack of speed, it's not a good thing. Believe me, you don't want the sunglasses anyway.
8. Which reminds me-if you are looking at one of those idiotic aisle displays, have the courtesy to pay attention when others want to get past you. Your wife isn't that skinny. TRUST ME
9. Someday little teeny bopper, you will also have a frum and two kids. And I will be sure to remind you of that little eye roll you didn't think I saw. Repeatedly.
10. MANNERS people MANNERS. Your kids don't have them because you don't. Standing behind me with your buggy up my ass doesn't make me move. Asking politely just might. And don't get pissy when this is pointed out to you. I don't read minds, and I don't appreciate the assumption that I should let you jump in line for no reason.

Why do I even bother? Oh yeah, cause I find shoes like these that MIGHT actually fit me.

Ah malls. Home of the instant lobotomy.

Posted by thordora on Sunday, August 20, 2006 at 5:30 p.m. | Permalink