Don't you have someone, you'd die for....
Sometimes, the world is this nasty ass piece of work, you know? People throw their kids off a balcony, rip others off, act terrible, and generally make the 16 year old in me stamp her feet and want to yell IT'S NOT FAIR!!
Sometimes, as I sit here with a full belly after making the spaghetti MY way, and listening to my children giggle and run circles around themselves in my backyard, I think about how bloody lucky I am.
If you had asked me 10 years ago if this would be what I had, if you had told me that I'd be happy and married and the mother to 2 incredible little girls, I would have told you to stuff it. My future didn't include a family. It included cats and a suicide pact.
I couldn't see a future. My present at that point was so bloody painful that imagining 30 wasn't possible. I couldn't see that far-it was just black. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me enough to have babies anyway. I really didn't want babies. All my life I'd had people leaving me, hurting my, breaking my heart a little further all the time. How could I love something, someone else? How would I ever survive if something happened to them?
10 years later, and I can see, with a light that only life, experience and maturity can bring. The world didn't end because my mother died when I was 11. The world didn't end because my neighbor like to put his hands down my pants when I was 7. The world didn't end because my father became the alcoholic he had spent his life running from. The world didn't end because one sad little girl wanted to die. I was brave enough to hope that the future would be better. I said all the time, if 30 was as bleak as my life had been, I'd end it all.
Oh time, you fickle creature, what have you done to me? I'm almost happy, despite the waves of moods I ride. I've found this odd peace with myself, and with being happy. Cause you know, for a long time, I didn't feel like I deserved it. How could someone so broken ever dare to find fulfillment, happiness?
About a month before I delivered Rosalyn, my husband and I took a night walk in the snow and cold, one of those nights where your breath hangs in the air but it's not that cold, just cold enough to feel it. I talked to him about feeling that finally, I had found that one thing I was actually good, actually meant to do. I talked about how complete it made me, and how conflicted I was with this, I who never ever wanted children. And yet how there was no escape, no way around the fact that this somehow made me whole, and had shown me that yes, you can be loved, you can safely love.
It's a pretty incredible thing, when you stop and think about it. I, who never felt allowed to have the things everyone else had, never even felt like I had permission to dream about them, finally had all of them. A loving, warm, kick ass husband. 2 amazing, stubborn, smart beautiful children. A house that needs TLC, but backs on to what seems like paradise. I'm living a life that many people want.
I'm happy with my life. 10 years ago, I was ready to try and end it again. It's amazing what a little time will give.
Sometimes, as I sit here with a full belly after making the spaghetti MY way, and listening to my children giggle and run circles around themselves in my backyard, I think about how bloody lucky I am.
If you had asked me 10 years ago if this would be what I had, if you had told me that I'd be happy and married and the mother to 2 incredible little girls, I would have told you to stuff it. My future didn't include a family. It included cats and a suicide pact.
I couldn't see a future. My present at that point was so bloody painful that imagining 30 wasn't possible. I couldn't see that far-it was just black. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me enough to have babies anyway. I really didn't want babies. All my life I'd had people leaving me, hurting my, breaking my heart a little further all the time. How could I love something, someone else? How would I ever survive if something happened to them?
10 years later, and I can see, with a light that only life, experience and maturity can bring. The world didn't end because my mother died when I was 11. The world didn't end because my neighbor like to put his hands down my pants when I was 7. The world didn't end because my father became the alcoholic he had spent his life running from. The world didn't end because one sad little girl wanted to die. I was brave enough to hope that the future would be better. I said all the time, if 30 was as bleak as my life had been, I'd end it all.
Oh time, you fickle creature, what have you done to me? I'm almost happy, despite the waves of moods I ride. I've found this odd peace with myself, and with being happy. Cause you know, for a long time, I didn't feel like I deserved it. How could someone so broken ever dare to find fulfillment, happiness?
About a month before I delivered Rosalyn, my husband and I took a night walk in the snow and cold, one of those nights where your breath hangs in the air but it's not that cold, just cold enough to feel it. I talked to him about feeling that finally, I had found that one thing I was actually good, actually meant to do. I talked about how complete it made me, and how conflicted I was with this, I who never ever wanted children. And yet how there was no escape, no way around the fact that this somehow made me whole, and had shown me that yes, you can be loved, you can safely love.
It's a pretty incredible thing, when you stop and think about it. I, who never felt allowed to have the things everyone else had, never even felt like I had permission to dream about them, finally had all of them. A loving, warm, kick ass husband. 2 amazing, stubborn, smart beautiful children. A house that needs TLC, but backs on to what seems like paradise. I'm living a life that many people want.
I'm happy with my life. 10 years ago, I was ready to try and end it again. It's amazing what a little time will give.
Wow, that was so positive how everything came full circle for you.
I'm glad you're able to see how much you have now. I know that's not always possible, especially when fit starts to hit the shan.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:38 p.m.
And always remember the way you're feeling right now.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:28 p.m.
i always said i'd be dead by the time i was 30...i used to welcome it with open arms....and then....I had my babies, and started to get ahead in life (further than my folks ever got) and yeah, when I pull myself out of the moodswings, I too realize how fortunate I am.
I just wanted to say I understand how you feel and give you a nod in your direction.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:16 p.m.
Boy can I relate. It took me a very long time to accept the good things in my life. Even after I met Glen and tried for several years to drive him away (don't the people you love and who love you eventually abandon you??) its only been within the last 3 years or so that I've settled down. I've got boundries with my mother now. Its really hard when you've been abandonded to the fates as a child, to fend on your own, to feel that your existance was pointless.
Meh. Hang on to the positive things. That's all we can do now. We are the ones in control of our destinies and it is our duty to prove to our children that we can overcome anything and give them a better life.
You know what makes my day? When my daughter comes over to me as I'm sprawled on the couch in a semi-conscious state, kisses my forehead and says "I Love you mommy". I never had that as a kid. I never heard it, I never got hugs. I think I overcompensate now. I have a hard time uttering those words to anyone but Glen and the Rugrat. Even giving hugs is awkard for me.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:01 p.m.
I tried to explain to someone today why I love having kids and being a mom. I failed. You said it beautifully. Thank you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:33 p.m.
Nicole Believe me, on the days that suck balls, it's hard to see. But I try and remember.
Jen I love that too. And we have different backrounds, but the same end results-absent mothers. It's nice to feel like we've risen above it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this.
Posted by
thordora |
5:33 p.m.
That was beautiful man!
Funny, I always wanted kids. It's the husband I didn't want. Yet I ended up with one anyways. Funny how life works.
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:20 a.m.