In her heart, she's as hungry as ever.
It's Mother's Day. Woo. Wee.
The Dorf did get me a nice gift, albeit one that made little sense, until he admitted he hadn't really looked at it. It's the ready made scrapbook that says "All about Her" on it. Meaning, I'm supposed to populate it with pictures of myself.
ahem.
So I'm focusing on the thought, because it was really sweet and he thought it was a baby one. I'm always bitching about him not having the right thought, and this time he did.
But today also brought a realization crashing in on my head. I don't really have any friends. I have friends, people I hang out with, talk to, but no one I really click with. I click with my friend Stace, but she's 18 hours away, and living a completely different life than I. And I miss her, lord I miss her lately. I miss the way she can chastise me for being lazy and not doing anything about the crap I bitch about. I miss our little in jokes. I miss feeling comfortable sitting with her and not saying a word.
I don't make friends easily. I'm not very social, and the first impression I give is "Fuck off" in most instances. I have trouble tolerating the little quirks people have. I have trouble finding a common ground with many people, not because I feel superior (although that does happen) but because my field of reference is so different. Maybe I do take life, and myself, far to seriously.
It made me sad, to tell you the truth. Then I flip through a magazine and see an article of "girls only trips" and see groups of 8 women together and I wonder how on earth you can have that many friends, and what it must be like. It seems like it must be nice, to not feel like you have to be an island.
Perhaps that is the worst part about losing my mother. I lost the ability to relate to other women, to just be a woman around them. I feel so insecure and sometimes, like a failure, and other women just amplify that. My mother didn't have many friends, but she had friends. I don't know how to be that way, mostly because I don't remember her friends being anything but patronizing to me.
Funny what you can dredge up huh? I guess this is the long way of saying in real life, I'm a fucking loser. Or at least that's how I feel sometimes. I wish I could create a machine that would let people see how other's really see them.
Then again, I don't really want to know.
The Dorf did get me a nice gift, albeit one that made little sense, until he admitted he hadn't really looked at it. It's the ready made scrapbook that says "All about Her" on it. Meaning, I'm supposed to populate it with pictures of myself.
ahem.
So I'm focusing on the thought, because it was really sweet and he thought it was a baby one. I'm always bitching about him not having the right thought, and this time he did.
But today also brought a realization crashing in on my head. I don't really have any friends. I have friends, people I hang out with, talk to, but no one I really click with. I click with my friend Stace, but she's 18 hours away, and living a completely different life than I. And I miss her, lord I miss her lately. I miss the way she can chastise me for being lazy and not doing anything about the crap I bitch about. I miss our little in jokes. I miss feeling comfortable sitting with her and not saying a word.
I don't make friends easily. I'm not very social, and the first impression I give is "Fuck off" in most instances. I have trouble tolerating the little quirks people have. I have trouble finding a common ground with many people, not because I feel superior (although that does happen) but because my field of reference is so different. Maybe I do take life, and myself, far to seriously.
It made me sad, to tell you the truth. Then I flip through a magazine and see an article of "girls only trips" and see groups of 8 women together and I wonder how on earth you can have that many friends, and what it must be like. It seems like it must be nice, to not feel like you have to be an island.
Perhaps that is the worst part about losing my mother. I lost the ability to relate to other women, to just be a woman around them. I feel so insecure and sometimes, like a failure, and other women just amplify that. My mother didn't have many friends, but she had friends. I don't know how to be that way, mostly because I don't remember her friends being anything but patronizing to me.
Funny what you can dredge up huh? I guess this is the long way of saying in real life, I'm a fucking loser. Or at least that's how I feel sometimes. I wish I could create a machine that would let people see how other's really see them.
Then again, I don't really want to know.
I don't think you're a loser. And I consider you a blog friend. One who I would definitely hang out with in real life.
Don't be so hard on yourself Dor. You're smart, funny, passionate, opinionated, articulate, honest....The type of people who wouldn't want you for a friend are the type of people you wouldn't want for friends anyway. There are other types, honest.
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:29 p.m.
So I hang out on the net with virtual people.
I have friends of a sort among our small liberal group here but we don't see much of each other outside of meetings and events. The same with church (several of them are the same people as my liberal group).
I have one good friend in the neighborhood but she's in her mid-thirties and our frames of reference are very different.
The people my age aren't, for the most part, chasing after three little kids.
I don't fit anywhere except here but I'm not as sad as I was before computer.
It says something about me, I'm not sure just what.
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:35 p.m.
Hey! Wait a minute! What am I? Chopped liver? lol :p (teasing)
I know how you feel though. I felt that way during most of my childhood...
I consider you a friend though. So there! ;-)
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:50 p.m.
PS: the real irony is what I wrote in my blog, just minutes before reading yours. lol
Go take a look :-p
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:01 p.m.
I wish the same thing too, but if only it can also give retribution to whatever it is they think, if ever it is, well, undesirable, if not to make to you feel better with an affirmation.
Thanks for commenting over at my place :) I was thinking the same about the nakedness of the soul, but I don't think that nakedness really means "sin." I think of it really as honesty. Again, thanks for dropping a comment.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:56 a.m.
Wow, sounds like we were in sorta the same place yesterday.
I wish I had more friends. I want the "ideal hallmark" moment. I have one friend here in this small town that I've kinda gotten close to. Its more because our mothers seem to have been seperated at birth, so she's just as dysfunctional as I am - if not more. I can relate my own weirdness to hers without having to explain. I'm afraid to go there though - actually getting close. We'll either move or I'll get hurt. Arms length is a safe alternative.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:59 a.m.
Let me begin by saying I was NOT trolling for compliments. This post was just the culmination of a few weeks of "oh woe is me" inside my head.
I know that I'm not some big fucking loser, but sometimes I get so closetted in my own head that I forget about the good things I do, and only see the bad. Of which there is many. But at the same time, I'm the dork who says HI to old men on the street, so who knows...
And Nat actually wrote me a lovely entry in her blog (listed under EVIL WORK COMPATRIOT). It made me feel awesome today.
Sisypus Thanks man. I'd be your friend just cause you'll go kick a teachers ass for your kid. THAT is love. :P
granny I can sorta feel where you're coming from. My husband and I aren't focused on "the job" or "the house" or whatever piece of crap people want. We make enough money to live comfortably and we love our kidlets to pieces. And yet that seems to distance us. I can't totally get what you're saying, but in a way, I do. If you aren't fitting into a specific slot, everything goes to shit.
Nat: I needed the hear that. Thank you. Sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself.
Faith I just want to know, so I can see if i'm crazy or not. How many of us live day to day based on what WE think, even if it's totally totally wrong? And I enjoyed sitting their thinking about a naked soul. It gor my brain moving, so thank you for that! :P
Jen: I've been in a weird place lately, and I'm not even pregnant! Most days I don't care, but somedays, the Libra in my kicks up and throws a "IT"S NOT FAIR" hissy fit for awhile. But it could be worse. I'm not a total orphan just yet.
Posted by
thordora |
2:19 p.m.
mssisypus said it. All of what I should have said.
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:34 p.m.
First of all, I'm your friend. You know this. Deal with it. ;)
Second of all, you were SO trolling for compliments. Admit it. ;)
Third of all, if you're a loser with a husband and two adoring kids then I'm a total failure at life!
In other words, you're great. You're a great mom. A great wife. You're just GREAT, Dor!
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:11 a.m.
I'd be a better frind if you weren't 2 time zones away and several thousand miles! I enjoyed the email and the pic that you sent.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:03 a.m.