God spells Dog.
I'm an atheist. Really. I know that many people always say "Yeah, right-as soon as something bad happens, you'll be gibbering to God."
Nope. never have I gibbered to God since I was a girl, begging someone, anyone, to let my Mom live to see me grow up, have my first period, turn 16, go to the prom. All I got for those prayers was an afternoon wake and a mother in a casket, after watching her die at home.
I sat on my father's spiral stairs, watching convulsions ravage her body. I could feel her leaving me. (I wrote a neat poem about this moment-if I can find it, I'll post it.) She was in horrible pain, so in the long run, it was better. She knew she was dying-she had come home to die a week or so earlier.
She had been a fervent catholic. A drag your ass to church despite the chemo induced nausea, despite the radiation maps on her neck, despite the worsening clausterphobia. And I of course, was taken with her. It brought her some sort of peace, which made me happy. But no one at church, or at my catholic school, could explain why I, an eleven year old girl, would soon have to live without her Mother. No one could explain to me why I was receiving no answers, why I was increasingly alone with my thoughts, as my father was losing the love of his life, and wasn't always "there", and my brother was in his own little world.
I wanted so desperately to believe, to find an answer, to have a reason. Nothing was forthcoming. And I know what a lot of religous people have said: "the answer won't be obvious", "your strength is your answer".
I'm not strong. Deep inside me everyday is a little girl wailing for her Mommy. I fake it. I fake it because I've spent my entire life "being strong". Holding up. Holding in.
And I envy people who have faith. I do. I've searched through philosphy texts to see if I could find the secret, why I didn't have the Belief gene. I've found no answers. I find it so bloody difficult to believe in something other than myself. And it's not just my mom. What happened with her likely sped up a process already occuring.
I tried for awhile, to believe in Jesus, in Buddha, in Mother Goddess, in anything bigger and better than me. And I can't. I read all these other blogs, where I can feel the simple satisfaction and peace that normal religous persons (I WILL NOT go into the zealots at this time) have in their posts. The clarity their lives have is something I wish for, and I can't do. Not only do I have trouble with the god thing from a logistical standpoint, I could never release myself that totally. I believe to heavily that I guard and captain my soul and fate.
But my oh my it looks so wonderful from here. And a large part of me hopes that there was a wonderful heaven for my Mother, and that my Father will join her there.
But I doubt that there is.
Nope. never have I gibbered to God since I was a girl, begging someone, anyone, to let my Mom live to see me grow up, have my first period, turn 16, go to the prom. All I got for those prayers was an afternoon wake and a mother in a casket, after watching her die at home.
I sat on my father's spiral stairs, watching convulsions ravage her body. I could feel her leaving me. (I wrote a neat poem about this moment-if I can find it, I'll post it.) She was in horrible pain, so in the long run, it was better. She knew she was dying-she had come home to die a week or so earlier.
She had been a fervent catholic. A drag your ass to church despite the chemo induced nausea, despite the radiation maps on her neck, despite the worsening clausterphobia. And I of course, was taken with her. It brought her some sort of peace, which made me happy. But no one at church, or at my catholic school, could explain why I, an eleven year old girl, would soon have to live without her Mother. No one could explain to me why I was receiving no answers, why I was increasingly alone with my thoughts, as my father was losing the love of his life, and wasn't always "there", and my brother was in his own little world.
I wanted so desperately to believe, to find an answer, to have a reason. Nothing was forthcoming. And I know what a lot of religous people have said: "the answer won't be obvious", "your strength is your answer".
I'm not strong. Deep inside me everyday is a little girl wailing for her Mommy. I fake it. I fake it because I've spent my entire life "being strong". Holding up. Holding in.
And I envy people who have faith. I do. I've searched through philosphy texts to see if I could find the secret, why I didn't have the Belief gene. I've found no answers. I find it so bloody difficult to believe in something other than myself. And it's not just my mom. What happened with her likely sped up a process already occuring.
I tried for awhile, to believe in Jesus, in Buddha, in Mother Goddess, in anything bigger and better than me. And I can't. I read all these other blogs, where I can feel the simple satisfaction and peace that normal religous persons (I WILL NOT go into the zealots at this time) have in their posts. The clarity their lives have is something I wish for, and I can't do. Not only do I have trouble with the god thing from a logistical standpoint, I could never release myself that totally. I believe to heavily that I guard and captain my soul and fate.
But my oh my it looks so wonderful from here. And a large part of me hopes that there was a wonderful heaven for my Mother, and that my Father will join her there.
But I doubt that there is.
I still talk about and think about Heaven. It's a comforting concept. Hopefully science will someday prove that there's some sort of "afterlife"... That SOMETHING happens to us after our bodies expire.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:04 p.m.
This is the first time I have ever done this. I hope I don't get it wrong. Read 2 TIMOTHY 7. Maybe it will help. If I offend you by this, just let me know and I won't do it again. Ok?
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:27 p.m.
Oops, I meant 2 Timothy 1:7. Glad I looked it up. It says,
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
This helps me. Hope it might help you too (happy emexicon goes here)
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:50 p.m.
I hope you find answers that at least bring you comfort, if not joy. Best wishes and happy travels to you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:58 p.m.
I feel very much the same but I never had my dad. He left before I was born. I sometimes think he didn't want me, but I don't know him so I can't ask.
Posted by
Anonymous |
3:15 p.m.
Karen: I hope beyond all hope that there is something beyond this. That being said, since everyone's idea of perfect or heavenly is different, what would it be. (Plus, for anyone who has read "Good Omens", heaven could be boring...
Megabrad: I don't get offended. I might be an atheist, but I am always humbled in front of those who truly believe, and who live their lives the way it is meant to be by the central tenets of the faith-joyfully, and with love for others. Most can't say that. I grew up with many catholics, and I can attest that my moral fibre and ethics are stronger then theirs in many cases. Thank you for your thought. I choose myself as my God, and as so, I have given myself the choice to be strong and joyful. If only I could remember that more often!
Gurustu: Thank you.It is by the simple wishes of others that some of our most powerful moments come.
Ruby: All parents want us. But sometimes, they can't stay.
Posted by
thordora |
9:06 a.m.
I'm sorry that you lost your mum at such a young age. I never knew my dad, because my parents got divorced when I was just a baby. Blaming it on God or thinking that because these things happen that there God doesn't exist is not the answer.
You can try to be your own God, but it will never work out to be what it could have been. I realised this when I was about 13, and that was when I accepted Jesus to be the ruler of my life. Until now, I have not turned back and I have no regrets at all, because Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.
If your mom believes Jesus she would certainly be up in heaven waiting for you. Do you know that from all those miscarriages and abortions that are happening. The lost babies are now in heaven. God is a loving God, he would want what's best for his creation.
It is hard to give a direct answer as to why your mom had to leave you at such a young age. You have to learn that this world is not perfect. Why does God let suffering to happen in the world? well one of the biggest factors is the fact that humans have free will. God won't stop us from making the wrong decisions.
We all deserve to die because of all our sins (that includes you and me). God is gracious enough to give us another chance. If I were you I'd be happy for your mom, that she now doesn't have to live in a world full of evil, but she can be with the Father in heaven.
Please don't get me wrong. I know that losing your mum is hard. From my problems I've realised that God is trying to teach me something. Well I better leave it at there. Please don't take this the wrong way. Just something for you to think about. I'll pray for you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:43 a.m.
I've read Good Omens! LOL! Perhaps our spiritual goal in life is to be wherever we can drive a black Bentley. :)
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:56 a.m.
I know from personal experience, losing our loved ones to the grave is indeed painful. But as much as I'd wish that they were in some better place, I have to satisfy myself that they simply have become unaware. We are unaware of ourselves when we sleep, and when we are dead I believe it will be the same, except that our bodies are no longer functioning and we will never regain self-awareness. For some -- for many, in fact -- even that peace of non-awareness is a gift, a release from the pain that came with awareness. There doesn't need to be a reason for the entropy that wins in the end, it just is, and while we are aware we must find ways to keep pain at bay. Some can do this with religion, but I do not. I consider it just another form of groupthink, and it is distasteful to me. I don't deny a spiritual existence, nor will I claim one exists. For me, for now, keeping pain at bay for myself and those I love is really all that matters.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:24 p.m.
Good Omens ROCKS. If you haven't read it-GO GET IT!
ANd I'm with anonymous on this one. Keeping the pain at bay is what matters.
But I appreciate the gestures from everyone.
Posted by
thordora |
4:43 p.m.
I lost my dad last year to cancer. Trying to keep my pain at bay drove me to seek comfort in drinking too much and smoking weed. It also brought me back to God, where my real comfort exists. Sorry for your loss at such a young age. Your openess and trasparency in your writing is appreciated. If I could reach out and hug you, I would. Peace.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:54 p.m.
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Posted by
Anonymous |
5:48 a.m.
((((((((hugs))))))) thordora, I know exactly how you feel. I wrote a story about a conversation with God a few weeks ago. I wish I could be more religious, I just am not.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:52 p.m.