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Having an ADD kind of week...

Sometimes I really hate my ADD. Somedays I love it-I'm creative, interesting, fun, weird and a little loopy. Other days, when I can seem to talk straight, and I can't get crap together enough to do any work, I can't stand it.

Then there's grocery day.

To a person with ADD, walking into the grocery store is sorta like a normal person taking LSD and wandering into CasinoRama. Noise, lights, people, possibility, things you want, things you have, smells, textures. It becomes this overwhelming wave of sense that you can't get a grip on. It's like trying to hold a wet cat: Impossible and possibly life threatening.

Unless I am super rigid controlled, I CANNOT handle the grocery store. Witness my last trip (the groceries also occur on a Friday evening after work, so I'm usually also in a GREAT mood). Things were ok, aside from there being too many people in there, which was distracting me from the task at hand, as I attempted to negotiate the aisles, not get in the way, make eyes at cute babies, be friendly, etc, etc. I was holding up. Someone called my name, but I ignored it. Unless I plan and ask for someone to come with me, meaning I can alter how I attack the groceries, I DO NOT want to run into anyone.

I get a few aisles in. It isn't great, but since I"m also dog tired, it's as good as it gets. Then it happens.

Someone finds me. Now I don't mind who it is-a friends sister in law who just had her son (who she was told was a girl-now THAT'S a funny story), and she wants to talk, and that's cool. But having this happen in the grocery store (near the condoms of all places)

Here's what this does to someone with ADD. You know how most of you might make a list to plan your day at work? Imagine someone taking your list, and eating it. Suddenly not only do you not have a plan of attack, you have no idea what you're supposed to be doing. Your mind is blank, with the panicy thought that you are meant to be doing something.

The the Dorf calls to ask what I want for dinner. I don't know! I can barely keep the conversation going, and I can tell she can see my issues. Then she proceeds to walk through half the store with me, so what goes in the cart? NOTHING. A bunch of unrelated crap.

I want to be one of those women who shop by meals, I really do and I'm really trying. But it's hard, doubly hard while trying to have a normal conversation and remember what we need and what we want and do it in a hurry because the Dorf has to work and the kids will be home from the sitter and....

that's an ADD nightmare. It SUCKS ASS. And all the Ritalin in the world doesn't help. I love doing the groceries on a Tuesday afternoon-no one is there, I can take my time, I can do it right. And I really did want to talk to that girl it was just terrible timing. (She has a beautiful son btw-perhaps a BF for Rosalyn someday)

Too top it off, I forget to buy diapers for Vivian and formula for Rosalyn. I forgot FOOD for my child. AND I walked right by it, but for some reason, I thought "we don't need it". So to add to the fact that I already feel brain dead, I get yelled at for forgetting this. He apologizes after he calms down, but it frustrates the Dorf, dealing with this. He can't understand it, so he gets mad, and I feel even more stupid and I feel terrible for forgetting FORMULA and mad at myself for not being able to breastfeed and I feel stupid for having this fucked up brain and I just sit there crying, wishing sometimes I was dead, because living like this, it's WORK and it's hard and somedays I'm just tired of fighting with life all the time.

That above paragraph? THAT is a PERFECT illustration of a two second thought in my head. Most of all, I feel terrible that I could NOT buy food for the baby. What kind of Mom am I?

God, ADD Sucks sometimes....

Do you get many of these types of days? Are there days when you're kind of ok, or are you always GREAT or CRAP? Is it black and white like that?

Question questions... LOL It looks to me like you had a bad one with the shopping here. But, y'know, you still love your kid, and you're still a good mum. Just give the kid more coffee...! (Oh, you mean it was you who needed coffee? LOL)

:) Keep sharing. Hope you pull through this one quickly.

you pretty whine about everything and anything... you're the twat of the earth

I love your blog. It makes me understand more how people with ADD cope.

Why thank you Dementia. I aim to get my crap out, and teach other people that it sucks. I think ADD boils down to "we aren't meant to sit and stare at computers all day.

Anon... WOW. I was wondering how long it would be until I received something as wonderfully eloquent enlightening. I especially love the poor use of the english language, and the inability to identify yourself. Such bravery must serve you well each day.

No matter where I go, how old I get, or what I do, there will ALWAYS be someone who just can't be ignored. But on a good note, you're going to be my next post!

Owl: days like this happen far too often, and I don't know why or what to do. My doctor just gives me the pills, and that's it.I'll get into that with another post.

You'd be a crap mum if you didn't *care* that your kid had no food. Or if you made her wait until it was convenient for you to go get some.

Anon comments. For the people with no balls. ;-)

He should be grateful that you rant and rave online rather than go kick the ass of people like him IRL!!! (Seriously!)

i'm now thinking this is the beginning of a resurgance of the PPD.

Hold onto something. It's gonna suck.

Fuck me!

And I thought Morrisons was bad on a Friday evening...

I like the new layout, it's much much better than the last one.

take care =)

Thanks Victor! I'm new to the HTML thing, so I'm slowly learning how to alter things....thanks to Owl! Plus, having to sneak changes at work since this PC at home is a piece of smelly carrot poop doesn't help!

Yay! I found your blog! Did you get my long e-mail I sent yesterday? I sent it to both your home and work addresses. When I wrote about grocery shopping in my e-mail, I thought I was the only one who just can't handle it! I explained my solution.... I found a grocery store that delivers. Hallelujah! This will change my life!!! Grocery shopping for someone with ADD is a nightmare! My mother called me once on my cell phone while I was at the store and I made the mistake of answering it. I couldn't get her off the phone and ended up pushing the cart back and forth and up and down the aisles without putting ANYTHING in the cart. Finally, I got off the phone, picked up some dog food and went home. It was hard to explain to my husband. I ordered my Palm today! I'll let you know if it helps. Kris

I gots yr email, just trying to find time to respond...busy week for reporting, although I spend most of my day waiting for data, the other half making it seem better than it is.

When we lived in Toronto, I ALWAYS used Grocery Gateway for 90% of my shopping, and I LOVED it! (the fact that once in awhile you got accidental freebies didn't hurt) However, here in the armpit, nothing like that exists.....I keep begging, because it is SOOOO much easier!
Let me know about the Palm!

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