Spin Me I Pulsate.

Sometimes I really hate my ADD. Somedays I love it-I'm creative, interesting, fun, weird and a little loopy. Other days, when I can seem to talk straight, and I can't get crap together enough to do any work, I can't stand it.

Then there's grocery day.

To a person with ADD, walking into the grocery store is sorta like a normal person taking LSD and wandering into CasinoRama. Noise, lights, people, possibility, things you want, things you have, smells, textures. It becomes this overwhelming wave of sense that you can't get a grip on. It's like trying to hold a wet cat: Impossible and possibly life threatening.

Unless I am super rigid controlled, I CANNOT handle the grocery store. Witness my last trip (the groceries also occur on a Friday evening after work, so I'm usually also in a GREAT mood). Things were ok, aside from there being too many people in there, which was distracting me from the task at hand, as I attempted to negotiate the aisles, not get in the way, make eyes at cute babies, be friendly, etc, etc. I was holding up. Someone called my name, but I ignored it. Unless I plan and ask for someone to come with me, meaning I can alter how I attack the groceries, I DO NOT want to run into anyone.

I get a few aisles in. It isn't great, but since I"m also dog tired, it's as good as it gets. Then it happens.

Someone finds me. Now I don't mind who it is-a friends sister in law who just had her son (who she was told was a girl-now THAT'S a funny story), and she wants to talk, and that's cool. But having this happen in the grocery store (near the condoms of all places)

Here's what this does to someone with ADD. You know how most of you might make a list to plan your day at work? Imagine someone taking your list, and eating it. Suddenly not only do you not have a plan of attack, you have no idea what you're supposed to be doing. Your mind is blank, with the panicy thought that you are meant to be doing something.

The the Dorf calls to ask what I want for dinner. I don't know! I can barely keep the conversation going, and I can tell she can see my issues. Then she proceeds to walk through half the store with me, so what goes in the cart? NOTHING. A bunch of unrelated crap.

I want to be one of those women who shop by meals, I really do and I'm really trying. But it's hard, doubly hard while trying to have a normal conversation and remember what we need and what we want and do it in a hurry because the Dorf has to work and the kids will be home from the sitter and....

that's an ADD nightmare. It SUCKS ASS. And all the Ritalin in the world doesn't help. I love doing the groceries on a Tuesday afternoon-no one is there, I can take my time, I can do it right. And I really did want to talk to that girl it was just terrible timing. (She has a beautiful son btw-perhaps a BF for Rosalyn someday)

Too top it off, I forget to buy diapers for Vivian and formula for Rosalyn. I forgot FOOD for my child. AND I walked right by it, but for some reason, I thought "we don't need it". So to add to the fact that I already feel brain dead, I get yelled at for forgetting this. He apologizes after he calms down, but it frustrates the Dorf, dealing with this. He can't understand it, so he gets mad, and I feel even more stupid and I feel terrible for forgetting FORMULA and mad at myself for not being able to breastfeed and I feel stupid for having this fucked up brain and I just sit there crying, wishing sometimes I was dead, because living like this, it's WORK and it's hard and somedays I'm just tired of fighting with life all the time.

That above paragraph? THAT is a PERFECT illustration of a two second thought in my head. Most of all, I feel terrible that I could NOT buy food for the baby. What kind of Mom am I?

God, ADD Sucks sometimes....

Posted by thordora on Thursday, June 30, 2005 at 9:00 a.m. | Permalink