Spin Me I Pulsate.

With the ADD comes this real need to control everything. All items in my life are either rigidly controlled, or left to their own devices. It's been like this for as long as I can remember.

Now, I also like very rough..."relations". I'm talking actual hitting, biting, bruising, etc, etc. Not something I really talk about with people, because frankly, I'm rather embarrassed about it. I was in the middle of a screaming match with my husband, thinking about how I actually want him to lay me out and "have his way" so to speak.

As someone who identifies as a feminist, it's a little offputting. And most people don't get the dom/sub thing to begin with. And, as a girl, it just ends up making me feel really conflicted.

But then I began thinking. When I was a kid, I used to have dreams/fantasies/whatever about assembly lines, about rigid structures. Now, I like having a context in which I make NO decisions, have no say, am forced to "perform" so to speak. It's weird, but it's a total release from my daily life. I can relax in this context somehow, and physical pain actually magnifies the effect. After a "session" my head clears, and I'm better.

Which makes me wonder, is this functioning as electro shock for my brain?

It's weird, and makes me more than a little confused about the whole thing, which is why I'm writing about it. But it also makes sense with the ADD, in terms of relenquishing control to someone else. I can only "let go" in a context of having no other choice.

So I'm torn-either this is VERY cheap and effective therapy, or I have very LARGE issues.

What say any one? Am I a TOTAL freak with this one?

At the end of the day it doesn't really bug me. We all like what we like, and as I become older and more confident, I become less and less vanilla. But this one is throwing me for a loop...

Posted by thordora on Monday, July 18, 2005 at 1:51 p.m. | Permalink