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They took her in spring

She watches from the stairs she loved so much, sits upon
cold metal, remembers how the cat had to be hoisted up with a basket while they were building the stairs, half drunk, it's a miracle they didn't weld them selves to the steps.

She doesn't notice the cold. She hears a distinct low moan from her mother's manic, convulsing body, as it throws itself in the air, as her Aunt tries desperately to hold her down, while curdling her blood screaming for her father. No one sees her on the stairs, her father nearly runs her down as he takes the metal steps two at a time, running, which he's never done before, and will never do again.

Time freezes. She can't remember much more of that moment, aside from the sirens, and a burning arm on her shoulders, pulling her away, telling her not to look.

But she looked. She swears she saw her mother's soul that day, shaking her body to remove itself.

It's the last time she'll see her alive without machines.

Vivian is ok. Febrile seizure. I've never been so fucking scared in my entire life. Thank you for your kind wishes, it really helped. Now I'm becoming paranoia mom, which isn't any fun....

I'm glad she's ok.

That's one of the reasons the idea of having children terrifies me. I am scared of being that scared all the time.

My daughter has had two febrile seizures, and they were, without question, the most terrifying moments of my life. To this day, if she has a fever, I'm still monitoring her 24/7 (even though she's almost six, and has probably grown out of them). Hope you get some sleep tonight, and that your daughter is okay.

I had never even heard of febrile seizures until my son was born last year, and aren't they scary? My son has had them too. Nothing can stop your heart faster as you are completely powerless to help them. I know what you must have felt when this happened.

This is EXACTLY why I never wanted kids. I was nearly broken by losing my mother. I cannot even fathom the mess I'll be if I lose one of my kids.

It's FUCKING scary, it's terrifying. And it took this for me to admit to myself just how much I love her. Sitting on my deck, willing her to breathe.


Just tuned in here. Glad your daughter is ok! Scary!

I'm sorry I wasn't around for this. I am relieved Vivian is okay, too.

Is it worth having kids, despite the pain you'll go through if something happens to them?

Honestly, as cool as my kids are, if I could go back and NEVER get pregnant, I would. In a bloody heartbeat.

That being said, the joy Vivian brings to people just by being there is irreplaceable. Life is pain-it's just a matter of dealing with it.

I try to levy my frustrations with motherhood by remembering the people I know who I trying so hard to have kids, and just can't. Why should I deny something that others want so bad.

Now, I'm gonna go to the hospital and see what exactly Vivian gave me.

I'm glad to hear that Vivian is going to be ok. I have a friend whose daughter gets them when she has a fever. Pam still is in a state of high alert every time Brianna has a fever. If you don't mind, I'll continue to pray. It's all I can do from way down here. Hugs to you!

Thanks MHN. I always appreciate happy thoughts. Read my other blog for the beginnings of what is SURE to be a LONG medical saga....stupid idiot hospital....

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