I'm not crazy I'm.....
Clinically depressed. Or, that's what the new therapist says. I scored 39 on the Beck depression scale. 30 and above is not good, since normal is 0-9.
She seems ok. She made some points that are true, and that never occured to me. Things not occuring to be is always weird since, well, I spend more time analyzing myself then most people.
She told me I'm lonely for home. Not for my house, but a place to consider "home". That's truer than I wanted to admit. I haven't had a home in a long time. I'm lonely for a place that even my bones recognize.
She told me I've spent my life having things happen to me, even my children. That's also true, even if I let some things happen.
I made her cry. A personal first. I'm rather impressed with myself on that one.
She told me I should get to a doctor, and get on antidepressents. You know what's scary? The suicidal thoughts are so NORMAL now that it's like reminding myself to buy bus tickets. It's become so commonplace that it's just another thought.....
Part of me always thinks that these people only want me to come back because they find me interesting. And what shrink wouldn't? A 28 year old woman presenting depressed mood and loss of interest/pleasure, who was sexually abused as a child, watched her mother fall ill with Breast Cancer, suffer a masectomy, chemo and radiation and then die when the woman was 11, her father becomes a raving alcoholic for a period of time, moves in and out of the house, meets her biological family at 18, gets married at 19, has two unplanned and unwanted kids at 25 & 27, and is now COMPLETELY fucked up about...man, I could pay this woman's mortgage.
Sad isn't it? I even think my therapist is only listening because it benefits her. She also reminded me that I've been a "grown up" as long as I can remember. I have. And you know what? IT SUCKS BALLS.
Now I temper all this with the knowledge that yes, it could be worse, TONS worse. But it's not. And it's all relative.
And knowing it could be worse doesn't make the pain go away.
Next stop: Effexor! (or anything that will make me happy,AND cause weight loss)
She seems ok. She made some points that are true, and that never occured to me. Things not occuring to be is always weird since, well, I spend more time analyzing myself then most people.
She told me I'm lonely for home. Not for my house, but a place to consider "home". That's truer than I wanted to admit. I haven't had a home in a long time. I'm lonely for a place that even my bones recognize.
She told me I've spent my life having things happen to me, even my children. That's also true, even if I let some things happen.
I made her cry. A personal first. I'm rather impressed with myself on that one.
She told me I should get to a doctor, and get on antidepressents. You know what's scary? The suicidal thoughts are so NORMAL now that it's like reminding myself to buy bus tickets. It's become so commonplace that it's just another thought.....
Part of me always thinks that these people only want me to come back because they find me interesting. And what shrink wouldn't? A 28 year old woman presenting depressed mood and loss of interest/pleasure, who was sexually abused as a child, watched her mother fall ill with Breast Cancer, suffer a masectomy, chemo and radiation and then die when the woman was 11, her father becomes a raving alcoholic for a period of time, moves in and out of the house, meets her biological family at 18, gets married at 19, has two unplanned and unwanted kids at 25 & 27, and is now COMPLETELY fucked up about...man, I could pay this woman's mortgage.
Sad isn't it? I even think my therapist is only listening because it benefits her. She also reminded me that I've been a "grown up" as long as I can remember. I have. And you know what? IT SUCKS BALLS.
Now I temper all this with the knowledge that yes, it could be worse, TONS worse. But it's not. And it's all relative.
And knowing it could be worse doesn't make the pain go away.
Next stop: Effexor! (or anything that will make me happy,AND cause weight loss)
((hugs))
just because
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:29 a.m.
all sounds so familiar...I would like to see a shrink (how crazy is that???) how do u go about it to get covered, if I asked my doctor would that help?
I have depression, but I think talking to someone might help as no one has an understanding ear around here.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:58 p.m.
Hang in there Thor.
Posted by
Anonymous |
3:14 a.m.
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Posted by
Anonymous |
2:35 a.m.