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It's bitching time again.

I have to get this out somewhere.

My coworkers.

Granted, they aren't technically my coworkers. I just sit near this people, as I report to another site entirely. But my god, if I don't do something terribly bad to one of them soon, I don't know what will happen.

They whine. They complain. They eat nothing but soup, coffee and air and get sick and can't imagine why. They talk loudly all day. I have no idea when they actually work. Their lives revolve around this insipid cycle of whining-sickness-drunkenness-sickness-whining.

It's driving me absolutely fucking insane. A day spent with a whiny Vivian is much much easier on my brain.

I've made little bitchy comments. I've mentioned shit to their boss. NOTHING.

It's like high school all over again. Remember those cutsie, annoying, gonna be a social worker chicks.

YEAH. THEM. Well, they work here.

And remember that bitchy, wears too much black eyeliner and army boots chick?

YEAH. That be me.

This is so not cool

Dor, WHERE do you work???

And now I'm feeling fearful since I thought soup was actually kinda not bad for you. Oh dear.

Please, just DON'T take a ballpoint pen to the side of somebody's head. PROMISE ME!

hmmm. Untraceable vengance/spite is a speciality of mine. And cheerleaders who never grew up are my favourite victims.

Let's brainstorm this.

Purell their phones?

Get a tape that sounds like someone coughing up a lung and play it all day long?

Hmmmm. I need more to work with. Are we talking cubes? Little phone drones? what?

I work in a call center, but not on phones. I don't want to pull a Dooce, so I'm going to avoid further details. Salaried, non managerial positions.

Soup unto itself is not bad. But one of the more amusing gems to come up lately was "I can't eat raw veggies, they make me sick."

Blink. BlinkBlinkBlink.

There are those people in the world who eat well and lose weight that they need to lose slowly. THEN there are anorexic people who already weight less than I did at 8, who think that the inch of skin on their arm is fat, who follow blindly the advice of any idiot, instead of just eating a moderate diet and exercising.

I cannot abide idiocy, and man....

Actually, a few of us have decided that we will begin "faking" illness and complaining about it all day long.

"Oh MAN, these explosive shits just won't give!"

And people who do NOT shut up all day, and ALWAYS have something "dramatic" going on bug me. I've seen REAL drama, and whether or not you're getting with that guy this weekend isn't it.

OOOH! I could go on for hours...

Black eyeliner chick, come sit next to me.

Okay, here's my glorious advice, one punk 'tude chick to another. The next time there's any sickness mention, grab hold and DO NOT let go. Example:

"Raw vegetables make me sick."

"How? Like vomitous or like the shits?"

"Um, I'm in the bathroom all day."


"Um, well on the toilet."

"Is it like a big explosive diarrhea or does it kind of dribble out of your ass?"

*turning away* "So Jane, I hear that you..."

"Hey! I thought you wanted to talk about raw vegetables. So is your shit like green or is it a brown. Like a rusty brown? Are there still whole pieces of the raw vegetables in it?"

"Well I didn't really want to get into detail."

"I'm just taking an interest in your chosen topic of conversation. So do you run out of TP being on the toilet all day? What do you do? Do you use your hand or just clench your asscheeks together while you shuffle from stall to stall, panties around the ankles, looking for a supply. Or do you wait for someone else to come in and get you some? Do you tell them about Diarrhea Lake steaming under your ass?"

That should help.

Hey, I'm full of ideas.

OMFG. Eden I almost spit my Mint Aero all over my laptop.

I had to pass this along to a similarily minded coworker, who was rolling on the floor.

The Diarrhea Lake is the best though...

I live to serve.

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