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There are days when I shouldn't be left alone with my children. Days when rage pours like wine from my lips, my hands and my eyes.

But it's not like my husband can call in "wife gone loopy" or anything.

My bipolar can create these incredible moments of joy, of happiness, creativity and love. But the ugly stepsister of all this good stuff is rage. Blind, unflinching rage and hate.

It boils in me at times, when kids are screaming because it's been 100F for 3 days straight, and they're hot and sweaty and pissed off and I'm' the same and hungry and tired. It bubbles to the surface like lava, burning through me, eating up at me until the inevitable happens.

I try to remember to leave the room, to walk away, to not slam the door, to not slap my now hysterical daughter. Why is this so hard? Why am I so detatched from my daughter, crying and screaming and throwing a tantrum. Why am I so full of this hatred for her in this moment?

I sit down away from her, and try to settle the shaking in my arms.

I scare myself when this happens. I scare myself thinking I'll never be like other mothers, other people. I worry that this rage will never leave me, that my children will fear me. I worry that rage is replacing sadness.

I worry. I worry. I worry.

In spite of the rage, you do the right thing. You walk away and wait for the rage to pass.

Not to discount the bipolar aspect but it's 100° degrees there and you have two active, probably cranky little girls.

I don't think I'm bipolar but I've found myself counting to ten or walking away more often than not these horrid, hot days.

Sometime's it's just part of being human.

It happens Thor. When Diva Girl throws a rager, sometimes I want to do *more* than slap her. I want to shake her senseless, or stifle her with a pillow, or anything. The rage she inspires in me frightens me. I have no idea how we are going to work through it, but I do know that for all 3 of our sakes, I have to.

Thank you for being so honest.

DUUUUUUDDDDEEEE.

Totally normal.

Hate to tell you that. The difference is that you walk away. You may THINK about slapping the shit out of them, but you don't.

I know....I know it happens, and I also know that I wanted to plant that child through the wall...HARD, face first.

It's probably the heat, since I can't even bear to have my husband near me, but I just feel off since starting these drugs....

Hang in there...

I agree with the people above. You're doing the right thing.

One important thing is that you recognize your rage and that the best way to help your child is to stay away from her when it comes on. Many parents w/ mental illness try to rid themselves of their frustrations via their children. Others never have those calm periods that you will. When you're calmer and more in control (and I really admire the control you talked about here), you can explain how sometimes you get angry but it's not anything she's done. That's all I can recommend, as the child of a mentally ill mother ;)

Thanks Eden. It helps to hear it from someone who has been on the otherside. I'm so scared that I will cause oodles of therapy down the road!

I try and explain to them that sometimes Mommy messes up, and gets mad when she shouldn't, and doesn't always deal with it properly. I remind them that if I expect them to keep their composure, that I should keep mine, and that Mommy's make mistakes too.

I think they're ok with it.

The fact that you haven't acted on your feelings shows that you've always had self-control. And that, despite how you feel at that moment, your love for your children truly does win out over all other emotions.

In other words, you sound like you're doing FINE. :)

I agree that it's telling that you don't do the wrong thing.

However, have you spoken with your psych about the meds? Are the feelings completely normal and to be expected with the meds you're on? I'm just asking because there are some that can have wacky effects that you want to make sure are kept in check.

Good luck. Keep working through those feelings.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% what you do about it. Try and remember that these moments will pass and the loving times will return.
I too have have had to bite my tongue hard to stop myself from causing serious harm to my screaming children. It's probably more common that you know. It's just something that women are unwilling to admit.
I admire your honesty and courage.Hang in there and seek help( friend's/Neighbours?) when you need it.

I think the best thing you could do is leave. Just walk away and don't look back. Who knows what kind of damage you are doing to your kids. They should not be around someone who is "going nuts"
All you are doing is messing up their minds.
YOu should just give your kids to your husband and leave.

Sheesh!!!!! Guess we know why THAt comment was ANON!

meh. Anon is only representing what part of my mind has said. On the bad days.

I'm not so crazy that I'm endangering my kids. And I grew up without my mom, so I won't do it to my kids.

Here are some links that I believe will be interested

Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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