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Agony, Ectasy

Today was just another random day in my life-another day where I cam home to two grinning, bouncing tigger like children who were totally blissed out to see me.

I was especially attuned to them tonight, after overhearing a teenager on the bus talk nonchalantly to her older friend about leaving a baby alone when crying, and how she was likely going to lose her kid soon.

How does anyone say those words so simply, so easily? They fell off her tongue like poison into the air. And I wondered inside myself what I should say, what I could do.

I saw them walk into the low income housing up the street from me, and I felt bad about assuming, about letting my brain run away and play "all around the mulberry bush" with itself, thinking that this is exactly what I should expect from people who live "there".

I know it's wrong, but I can't help but think it. I could see the life of her child, I could fast forward 20 years and see that repeating, my feet could feel the slow rumble of desperation and apathy that groaned out from her. She had no hope, she had no happiness, nothing surrounded her besides her own personal predestination. And I hated her for it.

Staring out the bus window as red and gold leaves fell past me, I thought of the agony I go through all the time, questioning my parenting decisions, my lifestyle, my words, my actions. And I thought about this girl having to be reminded that you cannot leave a baby alone, even if they are sleeping. I thought about her life, her childhood, and what causes a person to get where she is.

I thought about her child ending up dead because she forgot not to leave the crib near the window, and the blind cord became wrapped around it's neck, and she wasn't there to save it.

I stopped thinking about that quickly.

My heart bleeds and beats for my daughters, for my children, for the beings I created and brought forth from my womb. I cannot imagine even thinking, for a second, of seriously leaving them as she spoke of, or having them taken away.

Just the thought leaves me rather breathless, like I've drank too much water too quickly.

To hear this apathy are carelessness in someone who looked not a day over 18...it was agony. She should be lusting for life, she should crave newness and wonder. She should be happy.

As I am.

My only revenge is to raise my children right, and proper, and well, and suck in their sweetness while it's still able to make my teeth ache.

**Note: If you've been trying to comment and have received a big "fuck you!", it's because blogger's new "beta" is fucking EVIL, and if you aren't on beta, you can't sign in and leave a comment. Bastards.

For now, just post anon, and put yr name on it with your web address so I know where to find you, if I don't already.

And yes, I'm a wanker for signing up for the stupid thing...sigh...****

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Dude, I know beta sucks ass and I don't even USE it!

It's screwing up my feed reader bigtime. Instead of just getting new posts, Blogger goes to the trouble of propagating practically every post you've ever written!

They need to drop this beta nonsense and go back to what was already working.

I see sickening parents like that all the time. The only positive thing that comes from it is that I don't feel so bad for giving them cereal for dinner one night or letting them stay up past bedtime.
It's disgusting that the most irresponsible people can have kids willy-nilly, and people who truly DESERVE kids sometimes have the most trouble conceiving. I have always struggled with that.

Sometimes I just feel helpless.

Let's see if this comment works. I haven't had any trouble with Beta so far.

It works. I think it has to do with the way my user name or whatever is set up.

That cycle; the ignorance of poverty--it all just makes me want to cry some days.

~And at least Beta is working today. I can't even see my own blog right now, or anyone else with a regular blogger account.

I'm so the troglodyte - I don't know what on earth you're talking about but it sounds like yet another way for Blogger to annoy bloggers (my pet hate is when it decides I've had enough photos, no matter how tiny the file size, and keeps pretending they're done while actually eating them from the back of my post.)

As for the teenage nightmare mother - the cycle could very well repeat itself, but maybe the kid has a better chance away from her? At least your girls have a mother who love them.

Well, at least I know why blogger has puked up my comments.

and hey, don't feel bad for thinking that nothing good could come out of the low income housing. There are a few good people, but a lot of them are on drugs or otherwise fucked up.


Well, at the very least, it firmed up my decision to volunteer with the group who locally assists with young parents, helps them learn to parent, cook better meals, be with their kids, etc. I've been thinking of what I wanted to get involved with for awhile, and the thought of helping/saving/teaching a kid like that, and in turn improving the lot of the child is what I want to do.

I just wish that these kids were encouraged to keep children they don't want or aren't ready for. Far too often, kids are raising kids because they've been taught that it's cool or easy. I think if these kids had a more realistic picture of parenting, they'd sing a slightly different tune.

Don't get me wrong. I've seen teen moms and dads get it right. But I've seen more who don't.

Blogger sucks ass, period. You know what else Beta does? Takes you off my freakin' bloglines. grrrrr.

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