It's that day again.
Years ago, a scared 17 year old gave birth to me at 2:16am on this day.
I often wonder how long I stayed with her, or if they took me away from her immediately. Did she sing to me? Did she kiss me, and love me, really want me, despite her parents urging me away? Or was she glad to be rid of me, blessed with the knowledge of what her life would have been?
My birth mother told me she had miscarriages when she was trying to become pregnant years later, and she wondered if it was a punishment for having me and getting rid of me. She told me that on this day every year, she would get pleasantly drunk and pass out, waiting for the 25th to go away. She wondered who I was, where I was, if I was happy.
I remember telling her that I was, and that what happened, my other mother dying, my life turning to shambles, wasn't her fault. We couldn't fix it, or stop it. Life just is.
I was parenting even my biological mother wasn't I? She wanted so badly for someone to tell her what she did was the right and good thing to so.
And it was Jane, it was. My mother loved me so fiercely, I know that she did. My parents waited and prayed and begged for me, and I arrived, because of you. My mother celebrated my life on my birthday however she could, and I wouldn't trade those memories for all the money I could spend. I was happy then, so long ago.
I'm thinking about my mother a lot today, both of them really. I miss the mother who hid my presents around the house, letting me leave the dinner table to search. I wish I had a relationship with my birth mother, I wish I had that "mother" idea in my life right now, to share all my joy and heartache with.
I'm almost 30. I never imagined I'd live to be 30. The last ten years have been, thankfully, free of trauma and pain, unlike the 10 or so before it. Today the sun is shining, and while I mourn for what I have lost, I can also embrace the fact that years prior, a girl had to make a choice that ultimately affected how my life played out.
She made the right one.
I often wonder how long I stayed with her, or if they took me away from her immediately. Did she sing to me? Did she kiss me, and love me, really want me, despite her parents urging me away? Or was she glad to be rid of me, blessed with the knowledge of what her life would have been?
My birth mother told me she had miscarriages when she was trying to become pregnant years later, and she wondered if it was a punishment for having me and getting rid of me. She told me that on this day every year, she would get pleasantly drunk and pass out, waiting for the 25th to go away. She wondered who I was, where I was, if I was happy.
I remember telling her that I was, and that what happened, my other mother dying, my life turning to shambles, wasn't her fault. We couldn't fix it, or stop it. Life just is.
I was parenting even my biological mother wasn't I? She wanted so badly for someone to tell her what she did was the right and good thing to so.
And it was Jane, it was. My mother loved me so fiercely, I know that she did. My parents waited and prayed and begged for me, and I arrived, because of you. My mother celebrated my life on my birthday however she could, and I wouldn't trade those memories for all the money I could spend. I was happy then, so long ago.
I'm thinking about my mother a lot today, both of them really. I miss the mother who hid my presents around the house, letting me leave the dinner table to search. I wish I had a relationship with my birth mother, I wish I had that "mother" idea in my life right now, to share all my joy and heartache with.
I'm almost 30. I never imagined I'd live to be 30. The last ten years have been, thankfully, free of trauma and pain, unlike the 10 or so before it. Today the sun is shining, and while I mourn for what I have lost, I can also embrace the fact that years prior, a girl had to make a choice that ultimately affected how my life played out.
She made the right one.
Labels: mother, my birthday
Happy Birthday Thor, sorry if I am late, but bloglines is all effered up. It's funny how birthdays when you are a child morph into intense days of reflection as adults. But I hope it was a good day when this gets to you. :)
Posted by
Brianne |
1:24 p.m.
Happy Birthday!
Have a great day, do something nice for yourself... take a bath. (I love long hot baths).
You really got me thinking. Why do people think they are being punished when things go wrong?
Did you look for your birth mother, or did she look for you? Just curious. I was adopted too. I've never met my birth parents or tried to look for them. I really have no desire to do so. They are sort of non-entities to me.
But I do really miss my mom, and my dad, and my grandparents.
And that's the human condition. We are born to die. And we loose everyone we love. We all share tragedy.
Posted by
Missy |
2:35 p.m.
Happy birthday! Hope it's a good one!
Posted by
Carin |
2:49 p.m.
It's been pretty good so far. The Dorf got me this awesome walkman that plays MP3's (since he and I had already had the "I will lose an MP3 player conversation). This best part is that he TOTALLY faked me out-I thought at best I was getting these old wonder women comics I wanted. So I was surprised and genuinely pleased.
Missy I think I'll do a post on my birth mother tomorrow-I did one a long time ago, but when I go back and read it, I'm not pleased with it. So I'll give you "the dirt" tomorrow. My brother is like you though-he really doesn't care to find his, which always drove me nuts because he HAS all his identifying info, and it wouldn't be that hard. BUT, you seem to have your shit together, where he doesn't seem to emotionally, and my dad and I think it would be good for him.
Lord knows, watching your mom die at 17 is enough to screw with your head though.
My thing with birthdays is that after my Mom died, my Dad was such a Dad. He literally couldn't remember the day. As I've mentioned MANY times, for my sweet sixteen I received running shoes. So I'm conflicted about the whole thing.
I took the girls to the local cemetary just now, since I wanted to go for awhile (it's really old-I have to bring my camera next time). It allowed me to say "Hi" to my mother in the one last way I'm comfortable with now-in the midst of all the sadness that is a burial place. I could feel it seeping out of the ground in "BabyLand" (I kid you not. The area where all the littles are buried is called that)
Thanks guys. It's funny-I don't worry about getting older-I worry about losing the memories I have...
Posted by
thordora |
3:27 p.m.
Dude! Happy Birthday! Well, belated, but you know what I mean.
She absolutely made the right choice. Just like you have.
Hey, at least your birthmother *remembered* your birthday. Mine was a little fuzzy on that. And it kinda hurt, frankly. And the lack of relationship? I think it happens that way more often than not. It's just too much, on both sides. Let it go. Be you.
Because you may be a wee bit feral, but you're awesome!
Posted by
Unknown |
6:42 p.m.
Happy birthday!
And it's so good to know I'm not the only person who had these thoughts on her birthday. This will be my first one since talking to my birthmother so I don't know how it will be.
Posted by
Stephanie |
4:28 p.m.