Ah...finding your face
Megabrad had posed a question to me-what's it like to find your biological mother when you're adopted. Heh.
Think of the most complicated and overwrought situation emotionally you've ever been in. Multiply that by about 30. You're getting there.
Of course, NOT finding my biological mother at 18 or so, when I was already dealing with my father, who was dealing with his grief by waking me up drunk every morning at 2 am, the end of high school and it's inevitable confusion, and falling in love would have been a good idea. Waiting until things had calmed down would have been smarter. REALLY bad timing for me emotionally. I was already a pretty messed up kid. But hey, I put my name on the list of adoptees looking for their parents. Of course, I rethought the idea a little while later, but forgot to take my name off the list.
It was cool to meet people who sorta looked like me, people with the same eyebrows, some of the same mannerisms, people who I was. What wasn't cool was this enormous pressure I felt to be something I wasn't. I doubt that most women who give up daughters imagine their reunion will be with a girl with pink hair and army boots. It was awkward, and the disappointment in someways was very palpable. It wasn't cool to feel like I had to spend my last summer before university with a bunch of people I didn't know instead of the person I had fallen in love with, all because I was related by blood.
I hated feeling like I was merely a resolution for my biological mother, a reason to stop drinking on my birthday. I hated the fact that, aside from my half sister, I didn't like these people, and I was glad I didn't grow up with them.
My biological father had, oddly enough, died the same year my adoptive mother had. I briefly met relatives from his side, but not for long. I was overwhelmed with meeting people-with my ADD, I have to avoid too much stimulation or my brain shuts down. Of course, I didn't know that then, so my biological mother just thought I was being an asshole. It was overwhelming to say the least, in a really unpleasant way.
She kept giving me money as well, which while at first I appreciated, began to feel weird. I started feeling like one of those kids in a family that has divorced parents. Weeks at my Dad's, weekends with my biological mother.
The breaking point was when her and my grandmother took me shopping for my graduation dress. I started bawling in the dressing room, ostensibly because I hated my body and was upset that nothing fit. But really, I was crying because my mother should have been the one there with me, my real mother, the one who adopted me, and stayed awake with me all those nights I was sick. It should have been her watching me finally graduate.
After that summer, once I moved away, my contact became less, until finally I received an unsigned birthday card. I figured it was time to move on. As well, my biological mother was sick, and I coluldn't deal with becoming emotionally invested again, just to lose a mother again. I just couldn't do it.
We have VERY sporatic contact now. My grandmother died of cancer just after I had my first daughter, and that spurred me to contact them again.I had spoken to my grandmother 4 months before she died to tell her she was finally going to be a great grandmother. She didn't tell me she was dying. My mother couldn't call to tell me cause she was in pain, which I understood.
Would I suggest that people should search for and find their birth parents?I don't know-on one hand, that part of my life that I always wondered about, I don't wonder about. I am the spitting image of my great-grandmother. I'll probably die of cancer in my 70's. But I still don't know many of the things other people know about themselves. But it was also a painful situation that no one tells you about. It's fucked up and confusing and in a way, painful. The people who bore you are real and human, and will never live up to the myths you've created for yourself in your head.
More on this later possibly....I have a poopy bum to change...
Think of the most complicated and overwrought situation emotionally you've ever been in. Multiply that by about 30. You're getting there.
Of course, NOT finding my biological mother at 18 or so, when I was already dealing with my father, who was dealing with his grief by waking me up drunk every morning at 2 am, the end of high school and it's inevitable confusion, and falling in love would have been a good idea. Waiting until things had calmed down would have been smarter. REALLY bad timing for me emotionally. I was already a pretty messed up kid. But hey, I put my name on the list of adoptees looking for their parents. Of course, I rethought the idea a little while later, but forgot to take my name off the list.
It was cool to meet people who sorta looked like me, people with the same eyebrows, some of the same mannerisms, people who I was. What wasn't cool was this enormous pressure I felt to be something I wasn't. I doubt that most women who give up daughters imagine their reunion will be with a girl with pink hair and army boots. It was awkward, and the disappointment in someways was very palpable. It wasn't cool to feel like I had to spend my last summer before university with a bunch of people I didn't know instead of the person I had fallen in love with, all because I was related by blood.
I hated feeling like I was merely a resolution for my biological mother, a reason to stop drinking on my birthday. I hated the fact that, aside from my half sister, I didn't like these people, and I was glad I didn't grow up with them.
My biological father had, oddly enough, died the same year my adoptive mother had. I briefly met relatives from his side, but not for long. I was overwhelmed with meeting people-with my ADD, I have to avoid too much stimulation or my brain shuts down. Of course, I didn't know that then, so my biological mother just thought I was being an asshole. It was overwhelming to say the least, in a really unpleasant way.
She kept giving me money as well, which while at first I appreciated, began to feel weird. I started feeling like one of those kids in a family that has divorced parents. Weeks at my Dad's, weekends with my biological mother.
The breaking point was when her and my grandmother took me shopping for my graduation dress. I started bawling in the dressing room, ostensibly because I hated my body and was upset that nothing fit. But really, I was crying because my mother should have been the one there with me, my real mother, the one who adopted me, and stayed awake with me all those nights I was sick. It should have been her watching me finally graduate.
After that summer, once I moved away, my contact became less, until finally I received an unsigned birthday card. I figured it was time to move on. As well, my biological mother was sick, and I coluldn't deal with becoming emotionally invested again, just to lose a mother again. I just couldn't do it.
We have VERY sporatic contact now. My grandmother died of cancer just after I had my first daughter, and that spurred me to contact them again.I had spoken to my grandmother 4 months before she died to tell her she was finally going to be a great grandmother. She didn't tell me she was dying. My mother couldn't call to tell me cause she was in pain, which I understood.
Would I suggest that people should search for and find their birth parents?I don't know-on one hand, that part of my life that I always wondered about, I don't wonder about. I am the spitting image of my great-grandmother. I'll probably die of cancer in my 70's. But I still don't know many of the things other people know about themselves. But it was also a painful situation that no one tells you about. It's fucked up and confusing and in a way, painful. The people who bore you are real and human, and will never live up to the myths you've created for yourself in your head.
More on this later possibly....I have a poopy bum to change...
Ahh, so you did this when you were only 18? Yes, I can see the complications with that. I imagine it would be difficult enough to deal with at even a much more mature age. However, if a person waits too long, maybe they miss the window of opportunity to do this. It's a paradox? Well, it seems like you consider your adoptive mother as your real mother, which is great. I think that's the way it should be. My mother and father and sister look NOTHING like me!! At all! Complete opposites, Hahahaha! I actually think this is kind of funny, but I don't know why. The only person I have ever seen that looks just like me? My son! He's very handsome! Hahaha!(I pat myself on the back). I have decided not to find my birth parents. I got really lucky with the ones that adopted me! I appreciate you writing about your experience. That was nice. Thanks.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:36 p.m.
I know what it's like to have parents "disappointed" in you... They can just fuck right off, though.
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:22 p.m.
Wow, that was touching. Seriously. Got a bit watery eyed when you wrote the bit about your real mother, the one that adopted you.
Assuming your bottoms sorted, what happened next?
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:10 p.m.
Megabrad-my brother decided not to look for his birth parents either. I figured it was because his birth name is "seaman". I kid you not.
Even when my Dad pisses me off, I remember how much he and my mother wanted me, and what he's been through. Still pisses me off, but I get over it...:P
Posted by
thordora |
8:00 p.m.