In Dreams
"Sometimes there's no poison, like a dream." Belly
I had the weirdest dream last night, and for me, that's saying a LOT. With almost certain regularity, I dream of death, dying, killing, etc, etc, etc. Most of these dreams I can shrug off. Ones where say, I have to watch my child freeze to death and I can do nothing, little more difficult.
Last night I dreampt I was on a university campus, walking home. I sit down on a picnic table-it's dark at night, but this is something I would do. I'm not terribly small or afraid of anything, really. I used to always sit in weird places at night.
2 guys come up to me, and begin showing me the stamen of a flower, telling me that all things come from this, originate in it's tip, in it's pollen, that we can create anything from it, paper, plastic, you name it. At first I don't feel threatened in anyway, just profoundly interested.
Suddenly it begins to feel dark. I go to leave. They won't let me. The one guy is big,bulky and rather stupid seeming. The other is about my size, compact, but full of threat. They tell me I can't go. From this begins this weird dance of me trying to escape, and them holding this implied threat over my head. If I can successfully escape, something very bad will happen.
I show baby pictures of a friends baby, and keep telling them I need to leave. I keep trying to leave, when suddenly, the bigger one tries to beat me, but somehow it doesn't hurt me in anyway. He gives up and leaves. I'm left with the smaller one who somehow, scares me even more. He begins punching me, but this time, I punch back. I can feel the punches on my face, and finally, I just sit back stunned. I can't move, and I feel glazed. I feel him standing over me, and I wake up.
I really wonder how much of the dreams I have are linked into whatever is wrong with my brain. For anyone who is bipolar-do you have periods of VERY vivid dreams like this? After a few days of this, I'm exhausted and frightened, not to mention really depressed. I feel like different people are trying to escape my brain at night, and I end up in a funk all day, wondering why it feels so bloody real.
It's a terrible feeling to know that something is wrong, and not know what. I was originally diagnosed with ADD, now it looks more like bipolar, but I won't even get in to the diagnostician until July or something. I know that the two are easy disorders to confuse but crap...this sucks balls. My brain hurts, I'm sad and depressed half the time, and wingy and annoying the other half, sometimes I cycle in months, other times in weeks.....
I hate my dreams. I wish I dreamed like other people, normal concerns. Or not at all.
Last night I dreampt I was on a university campus, walking home. I sit down on a picnic table-it's dark at night, but this is something I would do. I'm not terribly small or afraid of anything, really. I used to always sit in weird places at night.
2 guys come up to me, and begin showing me the stamen of a flower, telling me that all things come from this, originate in it's tip, in it's pollen, that we can create anything from it, paper, plastic, you name it. At first I don't feel threatened in anyway, just profoundly interested.
Suddenly it begins to feel dark. I go to leave. They won't let me. The one guy is big,bulky and rather stupid seeming. The other is about my size, compact, but full of threat. They tell me I can't go. From this begins this weird dance of me trying to escape, and them holding this implied threat over my head. If I can successfully escape, something very bad will happen.
I show baby pictures of a friends baby, and keep telling them I need to leave. I keep trying to leave, when suddenly, the bigger one tries to beat me, but somehow it doesn't hurt me in anyway. He gives up and leaves. I'm left with the smaller one who somehow, scares me even more. He begins punching me, but this time, I punch back. I can feel the punches on my face, and finally, I just sit back stunned. I can't move, and I feel glazed. I feel him standing over me, and I wake up.
I really wonder how much of the dreams I have are linked into whatever is wrong with my brain. For anyone who is bipolar-do you have periods of VERY vivid dreams like this? After a few days of this, I'm exhausted and frightened, not to mention really depressed. I feel like different people are trying to escape my brain at night, and I end up in a funk all day, wondering why it feels so bloody real.
It's a terrible feeling to know that something is wrong, and not know what. I was originally diagnosed with ADD, now it looks more like bipolar, but I won't even get in to the diagnostician until July or something. I know that the two are easy disorders to confuse but crap...this sucks balls. My brain hurts, I'm sad and depressed half the time, and wingy and annoying the other half, sometimes I cycle in months, other times in weeks.....
I hate my dreams. I wish I dreamed like other people, normal concerns. Or not at all.
Whem I have dream that I actual remember I go www.dreammoods.com
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:16 p.m.
Hi. I posted the comment just ahead of you on Blogging Baby.
I'm sorry you're having the same problems in Canada. I'm in the CA central valley.
I didn't say it in my comment because his case is still pending but the pediatrician we didn't choose was notorious for making sexual advances to the mommies. I'm a granny raising 3 great-grandchildren so I was probably safe but how could it go on for years with many complaints.
Best wishes.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:25 p.m.
You know, Dor, I don't think I've ever met ANYONE who has "normal" dreams or "normal" concerns. Not to belittle your situation or potential diagnosis at all. It just sometimes helps me to realize that, hey, I'm no more bonkers than anybody else in this world.
I think it's good that you're heading in the direction of a diagnosis, although July is a LONG ass way away. Is there any way you can possibly switch another diagnostician or something??
*hugs!*
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:55 p.m.
Having to wait so long sucks. It makes me angry that the ones with wounds we can't see have to suffer the longest...even though they're no less real than the ones we can.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:06 a.m.
Hey Thordora,
Just thought I would stop by and see what's up with ya;)
Glad to read you voted. I read about your elections up there. Some Canadians were complaining about having an election in winter time because it was a hassle for them to get out and vote in the snow or something. I was thinking "What a bunch of whinning bitches'!! Hahaha! I thought all Canadians rode dogsleds anyway, so what's the problem? (jk)!
I talk to another Canadian "blogger" who voted for the same party as you did. He doesn't like the Stephen Harper guy either. He say's I would probably like Harper because he is a conservative a-hole like me! Hahaha. I told him looks like the NDP party is gaining ground though, and he should be happy about that. Maybe they can better represent you guy's, and maybe things are turning around a little bit.
Hope all is OK in the great white north!
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:48 p.m.
Thanks for visiting my blog earlier and leaving your comment. I'm new to this and every bit of encouragement is like winning a prize.
I'm fascinated by your blog content and writing style. That dream was very sensual, with sexual overtones. Our minds are fascinating/frightening machines. My oldest son is ADD and my youngest is in the process of diagnosis. I come from a family with mental illness peppered throughout the generations.
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:05 p.m.
It's funny, isn't it? I feel so fucking alone with whatever is wrong with me, but when i stop and look around, tons of people have something.
I know that this dream is merely symbolic of the depression, and the general forced takeover of my life that this "whatever" is causing. But it's so frustrating!
Nicole you are right. I wish I could find another doctor. But the sad fact is, I can't. There's no where else to go. I can't fathom why it takes 6 months to go thru the 15 people ahead of me, but hey, what the hell, right?
Carin That's the thing. If I had cancer, I'd likely be getting to see an oncologist quite fast. Since they can't put a time line on when I'm likely to off myself, I can wait apparently. It SUCKS BALLS.
Brad HI! We hate Harper. And normal people don't bitch about voting weather. Must of been a bunch of old ladies or something.
cyn HI! I really did dig that entry about yr boy getting a shot in the nuts (esp since I used to do that ALL THE TIME as a child.) I wonder how much mental illness is in my family,but being adopted and not in contact with anyone....heh..
Posted by
thordora |
10:24 p.m.
Dora, I'm Barby. I've had those weird mood swing type dealy things for a little over two years now, maybe more now. I couldn't even tell you now long it's been now, and I have dreams that are just as vivid. Often when I'm in the midst of a dream I believe it to be reality and can't tell the difference. The doctors put me on some sleeping medication which works wonders for my sleep. It's supposed to be an antidepressant, but no one has even bothered to diagnose me with anything. I don't really know why. And you're right, it is incredibly frustrating to not understand what the hell is going on in your own head.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:20 p.m.