on this melancoly night, there's a star that stands alone...
I hate being this sad.
I'm cycling thru hypersensitivity, which means I cry at everything. I am incredibly saddened by everything, and the world seems to turn against me by constantly throwing things about beaten,abused children and dead mothers in my face.
Don't be silly. I KNOW that I'm just noticing it more than I normally would. Come on, give me SOME credit.
The scary part is that it gets so bad, that I momentarily feel this DRIVING urge to get up, and kill myself. That blase, and over in the next minute. It's like the cravings for cigarettes I still get, 1.5years later. Sudden, and scary in their demands.
My shrink tells me she doesn't think I'm going mad. I beg to differ. Yesterday, I swore I heard voices in the food court where I get my lunch. And no, it wasn't crowd noise. This was different.
Imagine that the conversation(s) are on one level, and above that, there are whispers. If you've ever recorded music, think in terms of tracks. It was like that, except I couldn't make out the words, and no one else could hear it.
If that's not mad, nothing is.
But what scares me is this sadness-today, when talking to my shrink, I could visualize myself teetering on the prepice of this big black hole which is my sadness. I had to pull myself back, but the lure of that hole. It seemed so comfortable right then.
I also know that a lot of it was the urge to let go, drop my guard, and just really cry with someone. Because I can't. I've never attached myself to anyone I could just BE around. And that's hard.
Don't worry. I'm not THAT sad. Tomorrow is another day.
I'm cycling thru hypersensitivity, which means I cry at everything. I am incredibly saddened by everything, and the world seems to turn against me by constantly throwing things about beaten,abused children and dead mothers in my face.
Don't be silly. I KNOW that I'm just noticing it more than I normally would. Come on, give me SOME credit.
The scary part is that it gets so bad, that I momentarily feel this DRIVING urge to get up, and kill myself. That blase, and over in the next minute. It's like the cravings for cigarettes I still get, 1.5years later. Sudden, and scary in their demands.
My shrink tells me she doesn't think I'm going mad. I beg to differ. Yesterday, I swore I heard voices in the food court where I get my lunch. And no, it wasn't crowd noise. This was different.
Imagine that the conversation(s) are on one level, and above that, there are whispers. If you've ever recorded music, think in terms of tracks. It was like that, except I couldn't make out the words, and no one else could hear it.
If that's not mad, nothing is.
But what scares me is this sadness-today, when talking to my shrink, I could visualize myself teetering on the prepice of this big black hole which is my sadness. I had to pull myself back, but the lure of that hole. It seemed so comfortable right then.
I also know that a lot of it was the urge to let go, drop my guard, and just really cry with someone. Because I can't. I've never attached myself to anyone I could just BE around. And that's hard.
Don't worry. I'm not THAT sad. Tomorrow is another day.
I know what you mean about just BEing. I think some of us just get really good at being who we need to be to fit a situation. Sucks, doesn't it.
But that's not what this post is about, is it.
I could never pretend to understand exactly what you're going through, Dor. But am I demented for thinking you're handling it WAY better than I ever could?? I don't think so.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:36 a.m.