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Here's the thing....

I know all the stuff I SHOULD do to lose weight. I know what's good for me, and what's bad. I happen to mostly like the bad stuff, like tasty delicious Coke and greasy frenchfry goodness. And I've been cutting back on those, and today, after receiving some good advice, I signed up on some calorie charting website, learned that my walk to work is 2.6 miles one way and since I had already ruined the day with a cup of oil roasted mixed nuts (fucking merciful CRAP-860 calories?!?!?!) I had a sprinkle donut.

And I know that's wrong, but it's hopefully my last day thinking like a fatty, so leave me alone.

And in reading some suggestions from various sources, including this girlie drink lover, I began to discover why dieting or calorie counting has always seemed creepy and cult like.

Because it IS creepy and cult like.

About 2 years ago, while cranky, pregnant and gorging myself on greasy fried goodness of every description, I had to CONSTANTLY put up with the squealing of a few rather irritating persons around me. Why you ask?

Not cute shoes. Not tickets to something cool, like the Pink Dots. Not even puppies.

They were squealing away about counting points, and how last night's weigh in was "so awesome" and blah blah blah blahblah. Meanwhile, I crammed a few more fries in my mouth.

As I chewed, it occured to me that these "women" (and LORD I use that word loosely) reminded me of a certain subsection of my high school

The Gigglies

My friend Stace and I spent our OAC year snickering, making fun of, rolling our eyes at, and loudly making Valley Girl comments at these girls.

You know the ones. They flirt with the teachers (ew ew ew dirty brain hurts). The laugh vapidly at nothing. Their daddies buy them things.

They end up becoming social workers because they "want to help and they really GET people"

These girls made me sick, and annoyed. Anyone pretending to be stupid for no good reason irritates the hell out of me.

As I chewed, I realized that in rejecting diets and calorie counting and the WWCult, I was rejecting the girl I didn't WANT to be. A woman was strong and sassy and bitchy and, well, heavy on the chub. Little girls like them-I could swat them with my hand like flies, they would have to worry about walking in alley's at night. They were insipid and vain and everything I never wanted to be. They wore scarves on their necks.

These women, these skinny girls, were something I would never be. A girl with a mother. They have their quides in front of them, their families behind them, their mother's showing them how to dress and what to eat.

I have memories of enforced pink sweatsuits and strict diets because I'd get sick for no reason.

And so now, 2 years later, I've really come to grasp what I realized and cast off. while I might be hiding behind my fat for any number of reasons (of which my dear readers, there are a few) I don't have to hide behind it because I'm afraid of being a woman, of being feminine. I did the most "feminine" thing I could ever do-I bore and gave birth to two incredible daughters. Two lovely fascinating creatures who will look to their mother for their guides in how to be women.

I don't want to let them down, dammit, I can't let them down. I don't want to be tired or unhealthy, and nor do I want to furiously count calories to make sure I can sneak in a cookie. I want to be comfortable in my own skin for me, to be the role model I never had. I don't want my girls to ever struggle with eating that last cookie.

So no more greasy things, no more Coke (SOB!).

And thankfully, no more annoying Weight Watchers girls.

You know, every single time I read this, I'd swear you and I go through the same stuff. Just today I went to my doctor and she told me that I was very over weight and I needed to start exercising and eating right. And the thing is I know what's good for me, and I know what not to eat, and I know I have to exercise. The hardest part is motivating myself, and cutting out the food that we love so much but we know is not good for us. I think I'm just echoing your post. Srry. But how do you deal with it if you have really strong cravings and stuff?

So I came over from the Zero Boss to read your blog. Quit telling yourself your fat. There is so much I want to say to you but I'm afraid you'll think I'm being mean.

So I'll say this, give yourself credit for the things that you are.

Also you can have one Coke a day. Not diet! That crap will kill you.

Be Safe...

I look at my pictures and cringe. I know when I gained it and I've mostly figured out why.

Now I just need to decide to do something.

Good luck.

barb-thus far, me and cravings run along like this "food is the only vice I have left"

It's hard to change my mindset into finding pleasure in other things, and I'm slowly working to change that. SLOWLY. I just want to be healthy for my kids, so I focus on that. Mostly though, I just eat too MUCH, period.

And I have a question-being blind (I'm not sure if it's total or not) how hard is it to exercise? I was thinking about that this morning...

Lola, I understand what you're saying, and I've said it myself. I'm a big girl, period. I always have been. I was a foot taller than EVERYONE at 12, and I'm built like a rugby player. But I'm sick of being ashamed of the jiggling mass on my tummy.

I am fat. I don't want to be, and never will be a size 5. I want to go back to 16/18 like I was in high school. Even at 150 pounds, I STILL have a belly, so I know i'll never be small. I just want to be healthy, and ultimately, happy with my body for once. Much of my fat has been "protection" from sexual abuse, and now that I'm moving past that, it's time to shed my past, LITERALLY.

But I understand what you mean, and thank you. There are parts of me I love. Just not the fact that I need size 22/24 pants. They're EXPENSIVE!

I don't let people take my picture if I can help it. I hate looking at myself. Sick, huh?

You know, like I said in my last comment, you've just got to figure out exactly what you're eating, figure out how many calories a person of your stature should consume to maintain, and then cut a tiny little bit. If you stay even ten calories under what you'd need to maintain, over the course of a year, that's a pound.

I know you don't want to lose one pound a year, it's the idea.

When you combine that with exercise, you'll be fine.

The problem, and I know this is my problem, is finding out why you eat way more than to satisfy hunger. For you, you've totally picked out your sexual abuse. You've got to somehow work around that, through therapy or something, so that you only eat to nourish yourself.

I'm totally in the same boat (though not sexual abuse). Self-confidence is a hard thing to come by for a lot of people. Take back every last little shred you can and realize that you've got to give your girls something to look up to. If they see you putting yourself down, they'll be apt to treat themselves the same way.

One more thing (sorry, long comment), if you're on meds for bipolar, some of them will cause you to gain weight or get really hungry for no reason. If that's the case, you might also want to look into bumping up the exercise (walking's fine...just do it faster).

Good luck!

Missy, I started using the Sparkpeople site that Caitlin recommended and holy CRAP. It helped immediately for me to realize what 3 coffees a day with cream and sugar can do, and what nibbling on that bag of snack mix can do to me.

And that site is AWESOME for weirdo data freaks like me. I can track everything! I can make graphs! WEEE!

Yeah, I'm a dork, and I love excel (most days) I'll admit it.

I'm working thru my issues. And I don't totally hate myself-in fact, I prefer myself naked-it's clothes that I hate. I've never had a body made for clothing, but pregnancy moved my hips in a good way, thankfully.

I just keep telling myself-I quit smoking, I can quit treating my body like shit with food too. I don't have to be ugly anymore because I'm not that little girl anymore, and I'm big enough to protect myself now.

Ok, that got me crying, and it's not even 10 am. My point is, I'm stronger now than I've ever been.

As for the meds, I'm on an anti convulsant that WORKS and I've lost weight because I haven't been manic binging so much. The silence in my brain helps too.

Thanks for all the support guys. :)

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