Bio parent vs. real parent.
Brad stated in a comment, upon my curiosity about his lack of desire to meet his birth parents, that it wasn't so much that he didn't want to, but that he didn't want to hurt his parents. They gave him a "look".
I know that look.
My father didn't mean to give me that look either. But I saw it, and ignored it. I shouldn't have, since it caused him to start drinking again. But here's how I saw it-frankly, and idiot can get knocked up and have a kid. Cats do it three times a year sometimes. Only a parent can teach you about how wonderful literature and history can be, how to properly use a level, how to enjoy quiet. Only a parent can hold you and hug you until your breathe escapes like fire. Only your father can really make you believe, at 12 just after your mother dies, that he isn't going to leave you too.
I couldn't explain this all to my father then. But when I said "You're my Dad, I meant all those things. I thought he understood.
Thinking back on it now, he was likely afraid I'd see something better in them, and want to leave what, at the time, was a pretty shitty life. What he didn't understand was that I would, and still would, walk through fire for him. My father imbued enough strength in me to make sure I didn't succeed in ending my life. Something kept me tethered to the earth, and it was him.
I have an oddly close relationship to my father. I was Daddy's Little Girl anyway, and after my mom died, it was just him and I. Strangely, it felt right. I've never been embarrassed of him (except when he forgets to wash-he's old) and I've always loved talking to him. On Friday nights, he'd ask me "Don't you have somewhere to be." I didn't want to go to parties. I liked staying home.
And I know that a lot of that is derived from feeling abandoned, alone, scared. My father doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, and there were time I wanted that. I've always had the sense however, that he fears letting go. I don't know if he could get it back together if he did.
Back to my original point. I saw that obscure pain. But I had also heard him, all of my life, telling me to look if I needed to. It hurt him, but he did it for me, because he loves me.
In a way, that made it all worth it.
I know that look.
My father didn't mean to give me that look either. But I saw it, and ignored it. I shouldn't have, since it caused him to start drinking again. But here's how I saw it-frankly, and idiot can get knocked up and have a kid. Cats do it three times a year sometimes. Only a parent can teach you about how wonderful literature and history can be, how to properly use a level, how to enjoy quiet. Only a parent can hold you and hug you until your breathe escapes like fire. Only your father can really make you believe, at 12 just after your mother dies, that he isn't going to leave you too.
I couldn't explain this all to my father then. But when I said "You're my Dad, I meant all those things. I thought he understood.
Thinking back on it now, he was likely afraid I'd see something better in them, and want to leave what, at the time, was a pretty shitty life. What he didn't understand was that I would, and still would, walk through fire for him. My father imbued enough strength in me to make sure I didn't succeed in ending my life. Something kept me tethered to the earth, and it was him.
I have an oddly close relationship to my father. I was Daddy's Little Girl anyway, and after my mom died, it was just him and I. Strangely, it felt right. I've never been embarrassed of him (except when he forgets to wash-he's old) and I've always loved talking to him. On Friday nights, he'd ask me "Don't you have somewhere to be." I didn't want to go to parties. I liked staying home.
And I know that a lot of that is derived from feeling abandoned, alone, scared. My father doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, and there were time I wanted that. I've always had the sense however, that he fears letting go. I don't know if he could get it back together if he did.
Back to my original point. I saw that obscure pain. But I had also heard him, all of my life, telling me to look if I needed to. It hurt him, but he did it for me, because he loves me.
In a way, that made it all worth it.
Aha!
So what I said did make sense! Cool. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Check this out. My parents adopted me because they tried to have a child for YEARS, and they concluded that there was something wrong in the "conception department" with one of them. I don't know if they actually saw a doctor about this. Sooo, about six months after they got me, my mom got pregnant with my sister!!!!!! Hahaha!!! No kidding. Double whammy.
Anyways, I think you're right about parents who adopt kids, that it involves some kind of extra dedication. I so rarely think about being adopted, and this is due to the dedication they have shown to me. I know I'm lacking the descriptive words for what I'm trying to say, but I'll bet you get it anyways!!
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:32 a.m.
my parents couldn't have kids because, as my Dad put it so nicely.."his little soldiers had no follow through." Him and mom tried for a few years, then saw a doctor I think....they waited longer for me-about 7 years to get me...
that's funny that your sister came along-I've heard of that happening-actually, I think that happened to someone in town-they adopted out of China, then got pregnant and ended up with two kids the same age.
I assume you never felt weird being the "different" one...
Posted by
thordora |
7:22 a.m.
Haha! "different one", whooo! I am the COMPLETE OPPOSITE!!!Hahaha! No kidding. I should scan a picture a nd put it on my space! Not just looks, but everything else too. People say "That's your sister?", but.....?? Then I have to explain. Doesn't bother me a bit. Never did. It's more amusing than anything else. My sister is blond hair blue eyes looks like my Dad. I have kind of olive skin brown hair brown eyes!! Like I said, I don't mind explaining! Hahaha!!
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:03 p.m.
Do you think that your dad understands now how you feel? It would soothe him forever, if you wore these feelings on your sleeve, just once.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:09 p.m.
i think that he knows-we have such a "male" relationship...I don't have to say I Love you-he knows...I try to talk to him about stuff, and he clams up and asks me why I want to dig up the past.
I think my Dad is really very sensitive, but being onld school (he came of age in the fifties) he acts as he believes a man should act.
You're right though Karen. I should write him a letter. That way he HAS to read it, without the added struggle of responding immediately....
Posted by
thordora |
9:27 p.m.
You could just hand him the letter and say, "read it someday and don't tell me about it."
The thing about the letter is that he can re-read it. And he can get all emotional in private so he doesn't have to be embarrassed that other people are watching.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:33 p.m.