What's the point?
Well, the toilet is fixed-all new and shiny. And you know you're an adult when you are excited to have a new toilet. Of course, the lack of dripping liquid waste in the basement is a plus. Soon, we move on to the outdoors. I'm tired, and it's sunny, so it's certainly not happening today. I can find other ways to give myself heatstroke and faint. But these things need to be done. And we never have enough time to do it.
But I realized something today-I don't have any goals.
Other people have them-stuff like "Fix garden up" all the way to "finish English degree". I don't have these. I don't have any type of plan for the future. And I know why-early exposure to death has stolen my ability to plan and see a future that isn't bleak, blah blah, blaming the past again.
But the other coin is that I don't want to plan and be disappointed when I inevitably fuck it up. I don't want to say that I will start taking night class to FINALLY get my English degree. Because what if I don't do the work? What if I screw the pooch on it like I always have? What if my brain has completely disappeared, and I can no longer explain iambic pentameter? What if what if? I can't handle those things, and it's weird, because in terms of traveling, or trying new stuff, I don't care, but when it comes to anything meaningful, I'm too scared to try it because I'm scared of failure. So instead, I don't want or wish for anything.
That's a bit fucked up isn't it.
So right now, I'm making a goal to have a LOVERLY herb garden in my front yard by the end of summer. It won't be perfect, but what is, right? I'm thinking that I need to stop thinking of today, and start believing that yes, I will live to see tomorrow. Other people set goals, so why not me? And that might help my brain on some level.
It can't be good for my children for me to be so shifting and shapeless in this manner. I should be decisive, and forthcoming. I should have a plan.
So now I do.
But I realized something today-I don't have any goals.
Other people have them-stuff like "Fix garden up" all the way to "finish English degree". I don't have these. I don't have any type of plan for the future. And I know why-early exposure to death has stolen my ability to plan and see a future that isn't bleak, blah blah, blaming the past again.
But the other coin is that I don't want to plan and be disappointed when I inevitably fuck it up. I don't want to say that I will start taking night class to FINALLY get my English degree. Because what if I don't do the work? What if I screw the pooch on it like I always have? What if my brain has completely disappeared, and I can no longer explain iambic pentameter? What if what if? I can't handle those things, and it's weird, because in terms of traveling, or trying new stuff, I don't care, but when it comes to anything meaningful, I'm too scared to try it because I'm scared of failure. So instead, I don't want or wish for anything.
That's a bit fucked up isn't it.
So right now, I'm making a goal to have a LOVERLY herb garden in my front yard by the end of summer. It won't be perfect, but what is, right? I'm thinking that I need to stop thinking of today, and start believing that yes, I will live to see tomorrow. Other people set goals, so why not me? And that might help my brain on some level.
It can't be good for my children for me to be so shifting and shapeless in this manner. I should be decisive, and forthcoming. I should have a plan.
So now I do.
You aren't the on;y one to feel that it is easier to not set a goal and risk not meeting it than to set one and fail. I'm right there with you. I drives my husband C R A Z Y that I don't and am so afraid of failure and being wrong. I didn't start out this way. Somewhere between 9th grade and present day a series of bad teaches and bosses have helped nurture this negative trait. So what do I do...plug on day after day and just do my best and try not to be a screw-up.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:23 p.m.
Small goals are cool. Make a list of things you are interested in. Like, you mentioned before about sewing, maybe take a class. Your goals don't have to be lofty ones.
Right now, my goal is to have this baby before I murder my husband. That's lofty enough for me.
Oh, and not killing the MIL too would be a bonus.
Once this baby comes and things get settled I want to get more physically active, otherwise thats pretty much it. Of course I'd love to get my Ph.D. at some point but that most likely won't happen.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:00 a.m.
My only goal is to not end up living in a cardboard box.
So far so good!
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:29 a.m.
Plans don't always work out, but it's something to look forward to. Something to get up for, every morning.
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:38 a.m.
Goals are so totally overrated.
Oh, just kidding.
I will admit, though, that it feels great to get a project done, even if it's a small one. I, too, have gone the gardening route since I've been a SAHM. Of course, now I'm going back to work, so the yard will be the last thing to get any attention.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:28 p.m.
As long as you're making goals because you WANNA make goals and not just because it seems like everyone else has them.
I'm only saying this because I really don't have any goals now either.
Okay, I lie. I just don't have money to REALIZE those goals. But that's most of the reason I'm buying a house anyway -- because everyone else is.
NO!!! I'm buying it because I hope to really be wise about my finances from now on.
Wish me luck (and dollar signs) and I'll wish you luck in the goals department if you still feel you need any. ;)
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:59 p.m.
It's not just that I want to do what everyone else is doing. I just want to have a bit of a purpose beyond feeding my kids and going to work. I love my life, but it's missing that one little piece, which is, briefly, getting shit done.
Now if only I could get the goddammed plant out of the space where the bed will go. I was chipping concrete off easier than the roots.
Posted by
thordora |
8:51 a.m.
Go to 43 Things and get some inspiration goals. Some are really basic & fun ;)
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:20 p.m.