"Sometimes there's no poison, like a dream." Belly
I had the weirdest dream last night, and for me, that's saying a LOT. With almost certain regularity, I dream of death, dying, killing, etc, etc, etc. Most of these dreams I can shrug off. Ones where say, I have to watch my child freeze to death and I can do nothing, little more difficult.
Last night I dreampt I was on a university campus, walking home. I sit down on a picnic table-it's dark at night, but this is something I would do. I'm not terribly small or afraid of anything, really. I used to always sit in weird places at night.
2 guys come up to me, and begin showing me the stamen of a flower, telling me that all things come from this, originate in it's tip, in it's pollen, that we can create anything from it, paper, plastic, you name it. At first I don't feel threatened in anyway, just profoundly interested.
Suddenly it begins to feel dark. I go to leave. They won't let me. The one guy is big,bulky and rather stupid seeming. The other is about my size, compact, but full of threat. They tell me I can't go. From this begins this weird dance of me trying to escape, and them holding this implied threat over my head. If I can successfully escape, something very bad will happen.
I show baby pictures of a friends baby, and keep telling them I need to leave. I keep trying to leave, when suddenly, the bigger one tries to beat me, but somehow it doesn't hurt me in anyway. He gives up and leaves. I'm left with the smaller one who somehow, scares me even more. He begins punching me, but this time, I punch back. I can feel the punches on my face, and finally, I just sit back stunned. I can't move, and I feel glazed. I feel him standing over me, and I wake up.
I really wonder how much of the dreams I have are linked into whatever is wrong with my brain. For anyone who is bipolar-do you have periods of VERY vivid dreams like this? After a few days of this, I'm exhausted and frightened, not to mention really depressed. I feel like different people are trying to escape my brain at night, and I end up in a funk all day, wondering why it feels so bloody real.
It's a terrible feeling to know that something is wrong, and not know what. I was originally diagnosed with ADD, now it looks more like bipolar, but I won't even get in to the diagnostician until July or something. I know that the two are easy disorders to confuse but crap...this sucks balls. My brain hurts, I'm sad and depressed half the time, and wingy and annoying the other half, sometimes I cycle in months, other times in weeks.....
I hate my dreams. I wish I dreamed like other people, normal concerns. Or not at all.
